Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whatever happened to the happy Mentos commercials. Those were the highlight of my day!!!!

   We may be falling behind China in some ways, but our underground drug tunnels are second to none. USA!!

   "The best revenge is a life well-lived" is so true, but it doesn't provide the instant gratification I seek.

   can't wait to see the drunk version of me on camera

   Actions speak louder than words. Especially if that action is yelling.

   I wouldn't mind all the diving and faking in soccer if, at random times during each game, a trapdoor opened to a pit of hungry crocodiles.

   A procrastinator's work is never done.

   Say what you will about BP, they sure discovered a lot of freaking oil down there.

   playing 'call of duty' on my laptop on the plane was a bad idea

   I wonder if off-duty cops slow down when they see a cop car.

   There's an "Extreme Heat Advisory" in my city today. Thank goodness for that. Otherwise, I might not have realized it's hot as Satan's balls out within one second of walking outside.

   I'm at that very brief period of drunk right now where I love my life and everybody in it.

   if you get your information from Oprah, don't talk to me

   come to the conclusion, after visiting her grandparents, that she is moving into a retirement home.. they have chairs in the shower and the toilets have arm rests!!! Can anyone say..SWEET!!!

   just because I don't care, doesn't mean I don't understand.

   I think I could start a pretty successful company that makes nothing but excuses.

   These internet scams must make it difficult for legitimate Nigerian royalty to share huge sums of money with strangers...

   guys can go 5 years without seeing eachother and reunite with a handshake and small talk...girls can't go 5 minutes without seeing eachother and reuinite with screaming, jumping around, and hugs...

   9 1/2 months from now there are gonna be a lot of babies born...suckers.

   embarrassed the world didn't end today. Now I'm awkwardly sitting at my desk without pants...