Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hurricane Irma: Hillary's only chance for her book to fly off the shelves in Florida.

   Gotta laugh at Wheezy Joe Biden...offers condolences to the wrong city AND state last night...wake up Joe!

   A home-made Father's Day gift from your kids seems nice until you remember kids in other countries make Air Jordans and iPhones.

   I dont usually like to brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding

   If Mama Cass had shared her sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might be still alive today.

   I think it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos.

   Jimmy Kimmel asked Americans to find North Korea, but they pointed at Canada. Are we really this stupid?

   The guy below doesn't seem to get that everyone knows he posts nonsense.

   Today is International Women's Day, It was supposed to be yesterday, but they couldn't get ready on time !

   Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew its descendant would be a Tea cup Yorkie That's how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.

   Almond milk? I didn't even know almonds had nipples.

   If Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un break up again Taylor Swift’s gonna write a song about it.

   Sorry to announce my pet mouse 'Elvis' has just died!..he was caught in a trap!

   The weather temperature when from 90 to 55 like it saw a State Trooper.

   I'm surprised the weather channel hasn't started naming the caravans......

   What are the odds that Bill Clinton and Loretta Lynch have another friendly 30 minute chat to talk about golfing and grandchildren?

   Man, there's a lot of people here suffering from advanced butt hurt. Do we need to call a whambulance for you?

   Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.

   The best way to teach your little kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream