Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do race horses really pee more than regular horses?

   'Flashdance' gave me unrealistic expectations about how hot welders would be

   I'm a proud member of the Exaggerators Club. Membership 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and growing.

   Auto-correct makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.

   Telling someone they shouldn't be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn't be happy because others have it better.

   The Wizard of Oz is 78 years old. Today, if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains, no hearts, and no courage she wouldn't be in Oz. She'd be in Congress.

   My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

   I learned all my dance moves from the paternity test episodes on Maury Povich.

   I walked into a room where men were wearing capes, expecting great things. Then I see that it is a barbershop.

   Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.

   Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.

   Thanks to the Super Bowl, I use Roman Numeral's at least once a year. Still more than I use algebra.

   Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but most of you here, just gargled.

   I made a Bacon, Lettuce & Tomato sandwich for breakfast. I left off the lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise and bread.

   My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

   Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

   I’m like a cupcake: I’m short, round, mostly sweet and not everyone likes me.

   I have no clue what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk towards automatic doors, and if my face hits the glass I turn around and go home.

   I can’t wait for Halloween. I have been practicing all year.

   It's no longer 5:00 somewhere. It's 2020 everywhere. Drink whenever the hell you want.