Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Money not buying you happiness? Wire it into my account and I’ll send you pictures of how happy it makes me. Problem solved.

   The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.

   I love Fall.... Unless it's Cold, Damp and Dark. Then I hate Fall.

   I've been having a problem with nuisance phone calls! The most common one seems to be "You said you'd be home from the pub three hours ago!"

   Canadian cattle can now legally graze on cannabis plants. The steaks have never been higher.

   Will I be able to enjoy A Star is Born if I haven't seen the other Bourne movies?

   I made a Bacon, Lettuce & Tomato sandwich for breakfast. I left off the lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise and bread.

   My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.

   Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

   I’m like a cupcake: I’m short, round, mostly sweet and not everyone likes me.

   I have no clue what’s open or closed anymore. I just walk towards automatic doors, and if my face hits the glass I turn around and go home.

   I can’t wait for Halloween. I have been practicing all year.

   It's no longer 5:00 somewhere. It's 2020 everywhere. Drink whenever the hell you want.

   Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care

   I just saw 9 homeless people giving each other flu shots under the overpass. What a caring community we live in. ‬

   I’m much smarter than my dating history would lead you to believe.

   I want to be that grandpa someday that everyone is afraid to take out in public.

   If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

   Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

   therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session