Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being single doesn't mean your weak, it means you're strong enough to wait for what YOU deserve.

   I've changed the lock on my heart.. So stick the old key up your ass.

   keep your issues in your tissue box, and learn how to keep them out of your status box..

   You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

   There's only 2 addresses I ever remember, my own house, and P Sherman 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney.

   The girlfriend gets the wallposts, the hoes get the inbox.

   if I get sexted by somebody I don't want to sext, does that mean I got molexted?

   Dear Hurricane Irene please spare all my friends that live on the east coast, my heart and prayers go out to them, but if you make land fall in the New Jersey shore area, please take Snooki and the cast of Jersey Shore out to sea with you. Thanks' a bu

   BREAKING: Chicago Police Dept has replaced all sirens with the National Anthem, to force suspects to stop running and take a knee.

   "All gave some, and some gave all" Remember 9/11......

   (.)(.) + $$ = ( . )( . )

   With all the crazy things I've done and survived, I'm convinced its because God has a special purpose for me and doesn't want me to die yet. Although, more and more, I get the impression its just because He needs a laugh every now and then.

   Obama standing next to Chris Christie. They looked like the number 10.

   Hey couples who write on each others Facebook walls, NO ONE cares how much you love each other, so cut it out!

   Haunted houses would be scarier if they were filled with women that wanted you to guess their age...

   I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

   plans on dressing up as Kanye West for Halloween and just before the kids yell "Trick or Treat", jump out of the bushes and yell "Christmas is better".

   Instead of reading "KIM & KANYE EXPECTING A BABY", the headlines should have read, "KIM GETS KNOCKED UP AFTER HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX WITH KANYE OUT OF WEDLOCK!"

   How do you know when your girlfriend is putting on too much weight? She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.

   In 2013, my first status will be- "Is anyone alive?!