Funny Status Messages
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Life is like a helicopter... I don't know how to operate a helicopter. 
I'm beginning to believe whoever said "Hindsight is 2020" was sending a message to the future we all misunderstood.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated. Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
I'm at that age and wisdom where I no longer get up to investigate strange noises. Nope! I've seen that movie.
No matter how tough you think you are, there's always a closed pistachio ready to mess you up.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn't already hate you...
I used to have a amazing social life, until some idiot talked to me into signing up for Facebook.
I hope my dog doesn't turn out weird because she's being home-schooled.
Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.
I really want to buy one of the grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.
dieting would be a lot easier if refrigerators startled you with front facing cameras from time to time
You know that song "Happy" by Pharrell? That's how annoying I am.
Don't advertise "All You Can Eat" then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Keys just don't make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
I can't believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk and bread. 