Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I've mastered the art of walking around the parking lot for an hour pretending not to be looking for my car

   Please don't mistake me asking you how you are doing for me wanting to know how you are doing.

   With all this talk of adding Puerto Rico as the 51st state, I feel like our new goal number should be 53 states. A prime number.... "One nation, indivisible..."

   200 mllion guns, 2 trillion rounds of ammo. If we were a problem, YOU WOULD KNOW.

   If your election lasts more than 4 days you should consult a physician.

   All Trump has to do is legalize weed and all them protesters will be like,"he ain't that bad after all." :)

   Heck .... Joy Villa should at least receive a Best Dressed award at the Grammy's!!!

   .... All Lives Matter ..... Well .... Except: terrorists, rapists, child molesters, cop killers & anybody who hates America. Screw those those people!

   The weather is going to be 99 and hazy today .. kind of like Bernie Sanders!

   I don't remember watching the MLK assassination on television. We didn't have colored TV.

   Dear young Americans, (age group 18-25) please continue to post pictures of you partying and drinking, (some of you underage). It will make it easier for a future employer to decide whether to hire you or not

   If Bruce Jenner can keep his weiner and be considered a woman, I can keep my guns and be considered unarmed.

   It has become crystal clear why he thinks Hun ter is the smartest person he knows.

   Poland's worst ever air disaster happened today when a two seat Cessna crashed in a cemetery on the outskirts of Warsaw . Polish rescue workers have so far recovered 423 bodies , but expect that number to increase as digging continues .

   I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.

   So this year I decided to fill out my own tax return, and guess what ... I'm getting back 4 million dollars!!!

   Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.

   man code #3: if your friends zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see nothing

   If you wink constantly while you're committing a crime, you cannot be arrested for it.

   The guy in line in front of me has flowers, condoms, mints, deodorant, and Champagne. It's no secret what he's up to... Whereas my items are less revealing... toilet paper, Perpetration H, Imodium A-D, and stain remover.