Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to be that grandpa someday that everyone is afraid to take out in public.

   If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

   Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

   therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

   People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

   I’m going to the corn maze today to see if I can find the kid I lost in there last October.

   Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?

   Life is like a helicopter... I don't know how to operate a helicopter.

   I'm beginning to believe whoever said "Hindsight is 2020" was sending a message to the future we all misunderstood.

   We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated. Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

   2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

   if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

   Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.

   If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.

   I'm at that age and wisdom where I no longer get up to investigate strange noises. Nope! I've seen that movie.

   The fatter the man, the more Hawaiian the shirt.

   I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It's useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.

   My boss asked me to take an anger management class today. I told him I was angry enough with management as it is

   I grew up living paycheck to paycheck, but through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

   So irritating that my kid gets a text to tell him school is closed for snow day. He should have to stare at the news channel crawl for 45 minutes like I did