Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like "WHAAAAAT----NOT AGAIN!" and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.

   Numbers don’t mean anything to me. I’m here for the deep abiding friendships with people who haven’t blocked me yet

   Went to CVS to pick up a prescription and the receipt gave me enough toilet paper for a week. #Winning_Covid-19

   Dear landlord and Bank,I have suspended all payments to my accounts due to Corono virus outbreak .

   St Patrick's Day resulted in the least DUI's ever.

   Ladies, if you're over 50, you may wanna rethink the cowboy hat. It's terrifying.

   This is the longest something made in China has lasted.

   My current diet is similar to a 9yr old who just found $20.

   Due to the threat of possible storms, all homeschools will be on a two hour delay tomorrow.

   There are two rules for success... 1) Don't tell everything you know.

   I imagine by now a lot of husbands are willing to build that She Shed.

   Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

   I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's been giving me lately.

   If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

   Before you come out to the country, remember we'll sit in a tree all day waiting to kill something.

   Giving my liver a Rocky Balboa style pep talk for the upcoming weekend.

   Unemployment, COVID-19, social unrest, .......kinda makes waiting for that giraffe to give birth not that big of a big deal now.

   My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring. After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

   If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

   My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be. Um how about you continue to live here?