Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I learned all my dance moves from the paternity test episodes on Maury Povich.

   I walked into a room where men were wearing capes, expecting great things. Then I see that it is a barbershop.

   Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.

   No matter how tough you think you are, there's always a closed pistachio ready to mess you up.

   The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn't already hate you...

   I used to have a amazing social life, until some idiot talked to me into signing up for Facebook.

   I hope my dog doesn't turn out weird because she's being home-schooled.

   Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.

   I really want to buy one of the grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.

   dieting would be a lot easier if refrigerators startled you with front facing cameras from time to time

   You know that song "Happy" by Pharrell? That's how annoying I am.

   Don't advertise "All You Can Eat" then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

   Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.

   Keys just don't make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

   I can't believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk and bread.

   I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI

   Being a procrastinator with OCD means that I do nothing over and over and over again.

   Whew. Thank you, warning label. I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.

   Just a warning if you're buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.

   I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase 'jumping on the bandwagon' got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.