Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Let's get married. Whoever gets out with their soul wins.
←Rate | 07-08-2018 13:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not to brag, but in some circles I am known as “That chick who always knocks stuff over.”
←Rate | 07-14-2018 12:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
←Rate | 07-18-2018 07:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can tell the Beastie Boys were really close because they would finish each other’s sentences.
←Rate | 07-18-2018 07:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon it's so hot, Bloods and Crips have resorted to shooting each other with super soakers
←Rate | 07-25-2018 14:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon For the first time I went into another room an actually remembered why I went there...... Ok so it was the bathroom but still I remembered.
←Rate | 07-27-2018 22:09 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon My life is like when you're holding your laundry and a sock falls and you go to pick it up and two more fall and eventually everything is on the floor.
←Rate | 08-22-2018 09:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dearest Neighbors, Please do NOT call the police, it’s not domestic violence or a wild party. It’s football season, that’s just me screaming at my TV.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:46 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Psychologists now believe that adulthood begins at 25, not 18. They also believe that middle age begins the first time you eat at a Denny's while sober.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Somebody needs to start a dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon That annoying moment when you cannot find the long side of your blanket.
←Rate | 09-10-2018 06:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
←Rate | 09-14-2018 07:21 by Stevielea Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pro tip: Bakeries don't check ID's so you can buy a birthday cake whenever you want!!
←Rate | 09-24-2018 15:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal Me: Family?
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon “Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, No, you don't deserve to be hung up, sit there and think about what you've done.
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon high school led us to believe that so much of our adult working lives would require poster board
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was Christmas shopping for a friend's daughter... I asked what she was into and he said "anything Frozen" So, I got her a bag of peas and some pizza rolls.
←Rate | 10-26-2018 15:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.
←Rate | 10-27-2018 19:43 by Bindi Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kids, here's how to get double candy on Halloween. Put on your costume. Then cover it with a sheet. Go to door the first time as ghost. Take sheet off go back again with other costume. Bam double candy. Happy Halloween.
←Rate | 10-29-2018 16:25 by Haha Comments (0)  




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