Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.

   Haven’t been in a relationship in a while. I forget, am I supposed to start the argument or finish it?

   This funding crisis in Oklahoma education has got to be addressed! Some of the rural schools have taken to teaching driver’s education and sex education out of the same vehicle.

   What is a person who goes off their diet called? A deserter

   I’ll always be the one who got away.

   Korean scientists have announced that have successfully cloned two Macaques! It's impossible to tell them apart..said one of the monkeys!!

   Don’t send me the 1 pic you liked lemme see the hundred you didn’t like

   I sexually identify as please stop talking to me.

   My mating call is the sound of a lone chainsaw in the night.

   I just added Fabrizio Brambilla as one of my friends...According to all the messenger posts I received he is a bad dude..I felt sorry for him and felt he needed a friend

   I'm far from distancing my self from anything.

   Place an order with an energy saving catalogue co. for an economy efficient hair dryer. What I received was a bath towel.

   I like when people call me "Sir." I just wish they wouldn't follow it up with "You're making a scene."

   I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I've been on in 4 years.

   I wish I was confident enough to wear a pink, all velvet track suit with a fanny pack.

   ME: [bird watching] PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

   My goal for 2018 is to accomplish goals of 2017,which I should have done in 2016,cause I promised them in 2015 and planned them in 2015

   Apparently these new inkjet cartridges were improved to show that the printer is already out of ink

   Ya know, people use to come to Facebook to air their dirty laundry...Now they're coming here to air themselves eating laundry pods...The irony!!

   You people can keep blaming your weight or tight fitting clothes on the holidays if you want, but I am not going to lie to myself, most of you were Fat in December too