Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Scar didn't murder Mufasa. It's a cat's natural instinct to knock things off ledges

   A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

   Experts at this week's world economic forum that said in the future, cell phones will likely be tiny computer chips implanted in our brains. Great, now I have to worry about leaving my brain in the couch.

   Numbers 1 through 5 on my bucket list are just different places I'd like to take a nap.

   I'm like a semicolon; most people don't know what to do with me.

   Optimism is a gross abuse of the imagination.

   Katherine Johnson was a badass mathematician until the very end. She waited until turning 101 so she can die on her “Prime”

   A sure sign of a bureaucracy is when the first person who answers the phone can't help you.

   I hope everyone who bought 27 bottles of disinfectant realized that we all need to wipe our hands for them to be protected.

   I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

   The world changed in 1 month 4rm Feb 14 : "Will you be my valentine?" to Mar 14 : "Will you be my quarantine?

   A man and a woman can go 21 days on Naked and Afraid with no toilet paper and you sissys can't go one day without 20 rolls.

   My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.

   I bought some TP at the dollar store today so yeah, life is going pretty good these days...

   I eat those silica gel packets because consumer electronics are not the boss of me.

   Apparently, referring to Latex Gloves as "Corona Condoms" at work is frowned upon.

   Remember wearing shoes? Is that still a thing?

   I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

   For all you people worrying about toilet paper, you could use your finger. You would be more likely to wash your hands, and less likely to touch your face. Hope this helps...

   Doctor Cathy told me I was really sweet. Well, she actually said I am severely diabetic but I knew what she meant.