Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Im must not be a very good dancer. The last time I was dancing, someone jabbed me with an EpiPen

   Nobody on Instagram wants to see your text messages.

   "I've never seen The Notebook or a single episode of Grey's Anatomy." -Me, flirting

   My Facebook account is dedicated exclusively to cow facts and food-driven erotica now.

   If my pizza delivery guy isn't blasting Lionel Richie's "Hello" from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

   Pretty sure the guy who drives the train at the children's park spends much of his day wondering what went wrong.

   Driver's Ed doesn't prepare you for the heartache of never finding out if the fry you dropped between the seats was the best one in the box.

   Some memories hurt. Like that one time I used a plate as a frisbee.

   So, if 4 out of 5 people suffer some medical condition, does that mean the other 1 person enjoys it?

   You can only say ''WTF?'' so many times a day until you just decide to start drinking.

   If you can't make it down to Rio and want to get the authentic Olympic diving experience, just stick your head in a Porta Potty.

   Going to see Suicide Squad. Hope nobody else is dressed like Harley Quinn because I will feel really stupid.

   Beginning to think that all of these people giving pro tips aren't actually experts in their respective fields.

   If the IRS gave you the option to fight a bear to absolve your taxes I would at least take a week to think about it.

   At least my parents don't show their disappointment in me as much as my cat does.

   Babies are the only ones with enough courage to scream on airplanes.

   A snake can shed its skin, but it will always be a snake. Remember that before allowing people back into your life.

   In 1900 the Olympics was opened to women after someone pointed out what they'd be wearing when playing beach vollyball.

   Never trust people who try and trick you into eating healthy.

   If you try something new and you aren't immediately awesome at it, say it's stupid and never try it again.