Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All my 5yo does is pretend to be a horse galloping around and insists I pretend she's a horse. Well, today she broke her leg.

   Dear Disney: Please make a a 2,160 hour Pixar movie for my kids to watch this summer.

   Based on my experiences in the New York City subway system, Jehovah's Witnesses are a source of renewable energy.

   If you prefer a table over the booth we will never be friends

   I wish getting rich was just as easy as getting fat.

   Teen Slang Update: "Bye, Felicia" has been abbreviated to "Peace, Feleesh".

   Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.

   The number of weeks sisnce giving up coffee is directly proportional to the number of people I've wanted to stab.

   Always wanted to be a Starbucks barista, but that takes too many years of college.

   The more money you spend on a trip the less likely your kids will have a complete meltdown.

   Sometimes say that I use Uber just to sound cool, when in reality I took the city bus.

   Only at the fair can you pay $500 for a $12 stuffed animal.

   Overheard inside 7Eleven yesterday, if the hot dogs stay on the heated rollers for 24 hours they become mini Slim Jim's.

   In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

   I wore some of those khaki shorts with tiny lobsters all over them and my credit score went up 30 points.

   Never watched a documentary about paint drying though I have watched a 4 year old eat 7 peas.

   5 Word Guilt Trip: Just go. I'll be fine.

   A fun thing to do when your co-workers go to Chipotle for lunch is to put up “Out of Order” signs on all the bathrooms.

   You put a couch on your back porch you're considered trashy but put a grill next to it and tent over it and you're rich.

   Two stuffed dogs at the Antiques Roadshow..."Ooh," Said the appraiser, "This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they'd fetch if they were in good condition?"....Duh? "Sticks"