Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are friends, there is family and then there are friends that become family.

   Just because you LIKED my awesome status does not mean I have to LIKE the picture of your food...

   I'm not a perverted stalker, I just want to get to know your better without you knowing.

   There's a few people that I wouldn't mind haveing installed on my driveway as speed bumps..

   poking things that confuse me with a stick.

   Now if only they could find Waldo....

   Today is 'National Ex-Spouse Day'. No, seriously - it is. Because you needed a day to remember somone you'd rather forget.

   I passed a heart stress test today when I noticed a spider crawling up my shoulder.

   Crib instructions should come with a warning that you may end up divorced before assembly is complete.

   ..... Well, that didn't solve anything .... Guess I'll just go out and get hammered.

   Fact: If you ask a stay at home Mom how they're doing they won't stop talking for 3.5 days.

   Just bought Gawker for a roll of breath mints and two old copies of National Enquirer.

   Me: Wanna put on our capes and our undies over our pants and go stand on top of a building?

   When I first met you, I got this tingling sensation. Then I realized my phone was on vibrate...

   Under further investigation, we discovered that crime does indeed pay.

   Career, dreams, meaningful relationships. Pick any two.

   Until this recent Facebook trend I would have never guessed how many people were behind me in line with a gun under their shirt..

   Set the tone for the day by getting out of bed and stumbling directly into a wall.

   If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it!

   The only time I've ever on time to anything is when I'm dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.