Funny Status Messages

   FYI: It should be illegal to play a doorbell sound on TV... Or a siren in a song on the radio

   I don't go on Twitter a lot, does 'tweets' mean "political p!ssing and moaning from all sides", and what happened to the - Funny ??

   Well OBVIOUSLY,, Winter is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese.

   Egg Nog is the perfect holiday drink for when you don't feel like breathing out of your mouth for a few hours.

   My favorite yoga pose? Downward facing nap.

   My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

   I love pizza because it doesn't judge and tell me I'm doing it wrong when I eat it drunk.

   Actually,, I thought I was the only one who did not know the words to Mariah Carey songs.

   I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I'm certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.

   Art imitates life. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Flattery will get you nowhere. GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ART DEGREE BUTTERCUP.

   Loofah sponge instructions: 1. Wet before use 2. Use once 3. Hang to dry as shower decoration for the rest of your life.

   There's much better things in life than alcohol but alcohol compensates for not getting them.

   *smashes bag of Oreos and pours it on salad* Eating healthy is great

   I'm a Twinkie in a Dingdong world !

   Just had a bunch of Persian food for lunch. It was so delicious, but now I falafel.

   Folks should be made aware of the difference between want and need. Example: I want a hot body, but I need pizza.

   If you open a doughnut shop and don't name it "Hole Foods" well, what's the matter with you?

   At the end of the day the most overused phrase is at the end of the day.

   ‪The leading cause of divorce is marriage.‬

   If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!