Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Over 50 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

   “I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.” - inventor of velcro

   Before Coronavirus, I used to cough to cover a fart. Now I fart to cover a cough.

   Does anyone know if we should take showers or just keep washing our hands?

   Just thought I'd point out that if you're going around to different friends houses to make "Social Distancing" videos with you're missing the point.

   At this point I only practice good personal hygiene based on how I would want my body to be found

   Married people be like: [Quarantine, day 10] It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

   Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.

   I'm pretending. That way, when it comes time to tend, I'll be ready.

   On the bright side, All the rioters are wearing mask.

   My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

   Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

   Deep thoughts by Johnny Quarantine. Minnesota votes to disband police department and go with a community-based public safety program. I’m assuming this community-based public safety program will be comprised of police officers who recently lost their jo

   Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet? Wife: I’m definitely bothered

   So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it. Still not sure why you would need this though.

   Municipal Government: Try to stay home Provincial Government: Try to stay home Federal Government: Try to stay home My boss: See you tomorrow

   Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead? Me: No it was just wings.

   Not saying I have the biggest nose in the world but my mask is a D cup

   As a kid getting sent to bed was a punishment, but now leaving my bed feels like a punishment

   not having to set an alarm is one of the greatest feelings EVER!