Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Of all the words that sound dirty but aren't, I think "kumquat" is my favorite.

   I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon.

   Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy

   To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I'm sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.

   I don't drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits. So I'm not an alcoholic. I'm spiritual.

   My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers!

   The mantra of every politician is: Promise Everything, Deliver Nothing, Blame Someone Else. HECK ..... No wonder America is in turmoil ... We rarely vote in leaders .... Just a bunch of Con-Artists to run the Nation.

   I grew up living Paycheck to Paycheck ...... NOW after a lot of very hard work and Perseverance ... I now live from Direct Deposit to Direct Deposit.

   Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?

   When your kids become teenagers, it's important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.

   My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.

   It’s funny how watching your kids get older is both the best and the worst thing ever

   Why isn't cat food made from squirrels, mice and birds? I've yet to find half a tuna on my porch.

   One of the worst jobs in the world has to be a fruit stand vendor in a James Bond movie.

   If we want to make America great again, we will have to make evil people fear punishment again.

   it just me, or is Tom cruise starting to look like a middle aged lesbian?

   Anyone know how Pink's parents are named? I am assuming Red and White.

   SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.

   I have a sneaking suspicion that Elton John couldn’t have cared less about how tight Susie wore her dresses.

   I accidentally drank two energy drinks this morning and now my house is decorated for Christmas.