Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We are very lucky that out of all the bodily functions that could have been contagious we got yawning.

   Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

   Bought some pre-tangled Christmas lights to save some time this year.

   Pro Tip: If you make a sex tape, make sure it plays Disney music in the background. That way, if it gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.

   I miss those days when I would sneeze and someone would politely say, "Bless You" now they run the other way.

   We Just bought 12 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

   Anybody else up to 6 meals a day

   I've been eating so much during the lockdown. I'm starting to get a tan from the fridge light.

   My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers!

   The mantra of every politician is: Promise Everything, Deliver Nothing, Blame Someone Else. HECK ..... No wonder America is in turmoil ... We rarely vote in leaders .... Just a bunch of Con-Artists to run the Nation.

   I grew up living Paycheck to Paycheck ...... NOW after a lot of very hard work and Perseverance ... I now live from Direct Deposit to Direct Deposit.

   Roses are red, they go in a bucket, they cost 60 bucks so you'd better...

   Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

   That's so weird. I told her to calm down and it had the exact opposite effect...

   Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?

   When your kids become teenagers, it's important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.

   My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.

   Why isn't cat food made from squirrels, mice and birds? I've yet to find half a tuna on my porch.

   One of the worst jobs in the world has to be a fruit stand vendor in a James Bond movie.

   If we want to make America great again, we will have to make evil people fear punishment again.