Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?

   When your kids become teenagers, it's important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.

   My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.

   It’s funny how watching your kids get older is both the best and the worst thing ever

   Anyone know how Pink's parents are named? I am assuming Red and White.

   SCIENCE FACT: All the lost hours from Daylight Savings get added to Betty White’s lifespan.

   I have a sneaking suspicion that Elton John couldn’t have cared less about how tight Susie wore her dresses.

   it just me, or is Tom cruise starting to look like a middle aged lesbian?

   Why isn't cat food made from squirrels, mice and birds? I've yet to find half a tuna on my porch.

   One of the worst jobs in the world has to be a fruit stand vendor in a James Bond movie.

   If we want to make America great again, we will have to make evil people fear punishment again.

   I accidentally drank two energy drinks this morning and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

   How can you tell that the truth is being told? When Facebook blocks it, Twitter deletes it, Google hides it, Youtube bans it, the media censor it, and the government forbids it.

   I think I just saw the Mucinex family walking out of Wal-Mart.

   When life hands you Don Lemon, change the channel.

   A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already

   I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.

   United Airlines.... Board as Doctor, leave as patient.

   2016: Trump elected 2018: Border wall completed 2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics..

   I have my headphones on, but judging by the reactions, that was an audible fart.