Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 147 of 6370
I've been eating so much during the lockdown. I'm starting to get a tan from the fridge light.
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04-10-2020 14:38 by MDS
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My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers!
The mantra of every politician is: Promise Everything, Deliver Nothing, Blame Someone Else. HECK ..... No wonder America is in turmoil ... We rarely vote in leaders .... Just a bunch of Con-Artists to run the Nation.
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07-13-2016 18:55
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I grew up living Paycheck to Paycheck ...... NOW after a lot of very hard work and Perseverance ... I now live from Direct Deposit to Direct Deposit.
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07-15-2016 17:22
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I don't drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits. So I'm not an alcoholic. I'm spiritual.
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02-16-2017 08:44
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My five year plan is to make it through this year.
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08-06-2020 21:16
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It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
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08-11-2020 11:03
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2020 love life: The washing machine has seen me naked more often than anyone else.
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08-24-2020 15:14
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I swear to God if I had one of those Race Car Beds, it would be on jack stands too.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
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09-14-2020 12:55
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The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block I know a sign from God when I see one
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09-18-2020 10:22
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If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
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09-28-2020 09:41
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I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate that I ate.
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10-06-2020 08:57
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I'd like to personally address Facebook in telling them we know how to vote and to kindly stop with those imbecilic notices.
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10-19-2020 07:50 by IARU
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I am having a weird day, first I found a hat full of money, then I got chased by a guy with a guitar.
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10-29-2020 09:07
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You want a traditional thanksgiving? The CDC recommends you eat outside like a pilgrim this year
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11-25-2020 07:52
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“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN” -Costco.
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12-10-2020 12:34
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Things were much better on the tweeting Trump Train than they are on the sinking Biden Boat.
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06-05-2022 08:40 by Cornaga
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Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?
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03-26-2016 19:06 by Aaron
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When your kids become teenagers, it's important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
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12-17-2016 08:58
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