Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Has anyone tried going back to the ice bucket challenge to fix 2020?

   How could he be the Lone Ranger if Tonto was always with him

   Fat Girls out Here With Crop Tops Looking like Winnie the Pooh 🤣

   I'm not really sure I want this gas pump to know what zip code I live in

   I stopped watching Vikings when Ragnar Lothbrok died.

   Fun Fact: You could buy 420,000 tampons for the same amount of taxpayer funds Rep. Blake Farenthold used to settle a sexual harassment lawsuit.

   On Sunday France plays Croatia... Their defense will try to last 90 minutes and beat their World War II record...

   Quit hating people because of race, religion, sex, or sexual orientation! Join me in hating people just because they are people!

   Where does Peter Pan have his lunch? At Wendy's.

   "what did he say?" "Who is she?" "What just happened?" ( Repeat 30 times and you just watched a movie with my wife.)

   They say it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding. After years of marriage, I find it's bad luck after the wedding as well.

   Five minutes into a jog, I convince myself that my personality is enough and jog into a McDonalds

   I was trying to think of something really deep to post on Facebook this morning. The Mariana Trench comes to mind.

   My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.

   As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I'm grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.

   I keep buying leeks because I have too many potatoes. Then I keep buying more potatoes because I have too many leeks. It's a vichyssoise cycle.

   We're not meant to live alone, find someone. Lock them down the basement if you must.

   I saw a documentary last night on NatGeo about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.

   I am all for the death penalty, but I think we should make it interesting and fun. Make it a game and play musical electric chairs. When the music goes off one chair gets a nice charge. . .

   I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid. FML.