Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn't doing his part of the chores around here.

   Frequent outbreaks of Listeria, Salmonella and E.coli are why I limit my diet to chocolate, fries and red wine. It's just healthier.

   My stuff here is impeccable.. That means it can't be harmed by chickens,, right?

   If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you'll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.

   Panini is Italian for $14 grilled cheese.... #googletranslate

   I'm terribly sorry, but I just don't have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes so I'm just going to stand here and judge you instead.

   Second star to the right and straight on 'tilll morning! Rip Spock!!

   My wife and I have been married so long that I no longer think about other women when we have sex, I think about pizza.

   This Earth Day, I'm trying to do my part to make the world a better place by making a list of people I wish would move to Mars.

   Floyd Mayweather has revealed that his secret to his win over Manny Pacquiao was tips from Usain Bolt!

   Wait, don't go. I can ruin it some more.

   Just got done with my Performance Appraisal and its pretty clear that my boss is clueless to the difference between a 'debacle' and a 'fiasco'.

   I get along best with people who don't get along with people.

   Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping FU<K YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.

   I'm not shy. I was just trying to not offend you. But if you insist...

   My resume is just a folded up death threat.

   It works both ways: You're drinking so she looks prettier, she's drinking so you sound more intelligent

   I've worked really hard in my life to not have to hang out with vegans

   X says •••note to self•••- I look pretty crazy talking to myself about notes.

   I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?