Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.

   Relationship status: still making mix tapes.

   Most relationships are like Rick Ross, they don't work out.

   You know that one idiot that always flies by you when the roads are crappy? Am I the only one that secretly wishes they would go in the ditch or wreck their car?

   It's not you, it's your drawn eyebrows.

   You call the shots. I'll drink them.

   Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am..

   Ask your doctor "if shutting the hell up " is right for you

   being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!

   How scary stories will be told in the future: “..and that's when he realized HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN.” **everyone screams in terror**

   "They're like, 12" -- The correct way to refer to anyone younger than you.

   Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation's children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.

   Dear Girl Scouts, Your Mints did not make me Thin...... P.S.... Please send more.

   My son asked me what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his iPod except for 1 song.

   Apparently "just f*ck me up" is not a proper coffee order at Starbucks.

   My milkshake brings all the cats to the yard and I'm like, "I'll adopt every single one of you, don't test me."

   I drink alcohol because my shrink says I shouldn't keep things bottled up.

   I'm glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It's really come in handy this parallelogram season.

   Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

   I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning...gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.