Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.

   It’s the 40th Earth Day, which is bad news for Earth. Once you get in your forties, your equator expands, your poles start to melt — soon you’ll look as bad as Uranus.

   I could never work at a lighthouse. There is a 100% chance I'd get fired for making the Bat signal.

   When you're so deep in the friend zone that you've met her boyfriend's parents...

   .... I'm so old that I actually remember a time when people used to know which restroom to use!! Ahhhhh .... Those were the days ....

   If I ever get arrested and I'm allowed one phone call....I'm calling a locksmith.

   Ever notice most of the Graduates of the University of Phoenix go on to do great things, like commercials for the University of Phoenix.

   At the hospital today, I parked in the C section of their parking lot..... so naturally I had to climb out of the sunroof.

   Figures... On the day I wear white underwear too…..........

   I start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, i'll be seeing six or seven.

   starting a chainsaw in the house is a great way to get the neighbors to quiet down. Also good for getting an unruly child's attention.

   I'm so sorry for you loss. Is there anything I can do for you from my phone?

   I like to go on drunk facebook post binges, then claim the next day that someone hacked my account.

   I don't think you're supposed to use the pressure treated lumber to plank your BBQ salmon,,, but girl, your trailer looks nice

   I'm so sad your vacation is over too. Now how am I going to get my "feet by the pool pics" fix in?

   The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.

   Screw the name "Geoff"! If you're named Geoff go to the courthouse right now and change it to Jeff. Take accountability, make this right

   If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.

   I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question

   It's like grandma used to say "pass that sh it to the left and don't fcuk up the rotation"