Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *rides off into the sunset...... *rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock....... *rides off into the sunset......

   I think this Christmas Eve it would really be nice if we all went over to MySpace to wish Tom a Merry Christmas ....... poor guy.

   The people who insist you say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" are just trying to Police Navidad.

   This is how my week goes: moooooooooooonday.. tuuuuuuuuuuuesday... weeeeeeeeeednesday... thuuuuuuuuuursday.. fridaysaturdaysunday....

   Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.

   March 4th, the only day of the year that actually tells you to go do something.

   So, when does Jill Stein announce her Kickstarter campaign to fund Meals on Wheels?

   My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

   Now that the Raiders are moving to Las Vegas if they get more than 21 points in a game they automatically lose

   She is not a slut, she just needs to work on her "saying no" skills.

   Ok... Where do these people come from that just wake up and say "Ya know, I don't think I can live without purchasing a BMW station-wagon". Really? THAT'S the luxury vehicle of your dreams? 

   Pajama jeans (pajamas that look like jeans)...the selling point...regular jeans are hard to put on, tight and uncomfortable...I think maybe just buying the next size up in jeans would solve the whole problem yes? just saying....

   Hmm, my upstairs office window is open and I just spotted my kid's cape. Wish me luck!

   If drinking is interfering with your work, you're probably a heavy drinker. If work is interfering with your drinking, you're probably an alcoholic.

   Dear Picky Coworker, Watching you order and customize every aspect of your entrée even going off menu makes us fear what the staff will do to our food. Keep doing this and we'll spit on your plate ourselves. Sincerely, Your Tablemates.

   I'm an advocate for all those who cannot talk for themselves, like my middle finger for example

   thinking dirty the whole day.

   You never realize how much you enjoy sleep until you wake up early.

   I don't have tourette's...random thoughts just fall out of my mouth!

   Some women are terribly hard to please… the rest are impossible!