Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

   Now that the Raiders are moving to Las Vegas if they get more than 21 points in a game they automatically lose

   Your 6 yo has a $800 phone? Cool. When I was 6 I was begging my mom to buy me the click-pen that had 4 colors.

   I cook, clean, and run errands because I know I can't compete with a vibrator.

   I ask my wife why she never blinks her eyes during sex. She said I never had the time.

   If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it's one of those circus bears. I mean, hey, you never know....

   eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it

   I was thinking about going to Walmart for Black Friday but I couldn't find my pajamas.

   My grandpa was so competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last, he said, "Staring contest......GO".

   If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be World Peace for about two hours. Immediately followed by a global food shortage.

   Disneyland prices are now well over $100 a person, maybe now they'll buy Donald Duck some pants.

   The relationship my wife and I have is psychological. One is psycho and the other is logical.

   Just texted my boss "I think my computer's broke Boss replied: "Just give it to the IT guy" Me: "okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck Clown.

   Dear Picky Coworker, Watching you order and customize every aspect of your entrée even going off menu makes us fear what the staff will do to our food. Keep doing this and we'll spit on your plate ourselves. Sincerely, Your Tablemates.

   I'm an advocate for all those who cannot talk for themselves, like my middle finger for example

   Ok... Where do these people come from that just wake up and say "Ya know, I don't think I can live without purchasing a BMW station-wagon". Really? THAT'S the luxury vehicle of your dreams? 

   Pajama jeans (pajamas that look like jeans)...the selling point...regular jeans are hard to put on, tight and uncomfortable...I think maybe just buying the next size up in jeans would solve the whole problem yes? just saying....

   Hmm, my upstairs office window is open and I just spotted my kid's cape. Wish me luck!

   If drinking is interfering with your work, you're probably a heavy drinker. If work is interfering with your drinking, you're probably an alcoholic.

   She is not a slut, she just needs to work on her "saying no" skills.