Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Amazon would have delivered these ballots in 2 days.

   When the doc said my prostate was healthy this morning, I was deeply touched.

   was playing air drums to Rush in my car and lost a stick out the window. I had to change over to Def Leppard.

   I was happily watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra when the guy on triangle disappeared.

   The first thing I notice on a girl are her eyes. Unless she's not looking, then it's her tiits...

   I got an email from Google Earth saying it can read maps backwards, but then I thought... That's just spam.

   This Pokémon stuff is getting way too serious. My doctor was giving me a colonoscopy yesterday and found a Pikachu.

   2016 Presidential election. ISIS is claiming responsibility for this act of terror.

   I'll be glad when this election is over so I can stop making posts that put me on Hillary's hit-list.

   Hey BLM, dont worry. We havent forgetten about you clowns

   U - Haul is looking for drivers to bring back vehicles from Canada. . .

   I'm so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.

   Let's make humility great again.

   Looks like 84 Lumber won't get hired to build the wall...

   Why is it we always have money for wars, but we can't feed the poor?

   If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods would someone else make a sound?

   Wife ask where I'd like to be buried. Ball deep in your sister wasn't the answer she was expecting.

   Cold cereal is the sweatpants of food.

   Just helped an elderly man cross the street by honking my horn repeatedly

   The relationship my wife and I have is psychological. One is psycho and the other is logical.