Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It is very hard for me to concentrate when I am in the same room with chocolate cake.

   If you can't win an argument with someone, correct their grammar instead

   I mix my Tide Pods with Red Bull so I get the benefit of clean energy.......

   Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine

   According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don't have a weight problem....I'm just hot

   As an optimist,I don’t think I have a drinking problem. I have a drinking opportunity.

   Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.

   Customer service: And how does your name appear on your credit card? "I'd say about 11 pt Arial Bold"

   Of all the words that sound dirty but aren't, I think "kumquat" is my favorite.

   I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon.

   Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy

   To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I'm sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.

   United Airlines just released their new frequent flyer app. Easy to use, too. It's all drag and drop.

   Man I am beat! Feel like I just flew on United

   Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.

   I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.

   When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think "What would my grandfather do?" Then I leave home in my underwear and shout at random strangers.

   Putting your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn't think so.

   Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.

   I asked the librarian for the latest book on erectile dysfunction! She clattered her computer keyboard and said.."It's not coming up!"...I said.."Yeah!...that's the one!!