Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   never do anything you wouldnt want to explain to the paramedics

   The funny thing about driving your car off a cliff, I bet you're still hitting those brakes.

   found a new place to live...it includes all utilities, free meals, gym, arts & crafts...and my insurance pays for it all...The Nuthouse :o)

   I'm about to conquer a mountain of BBQ meat so epic that my utensils are a beach towel, safety goggles, and police tape.

   I'm not saying that I'm a pessimist but I just took a sip of water from my half empty glass and I misjudged the distance to my mouth and cracked the glass on my teeth and I cut my lip on the broken edges and chipped a tooth.

   In Light Of BP's Recent Accident They Are Offering Everyone Free Oil. You Just Have To Come Pick It Up At Any Location In The Gulf Coast..

   Captin Obvious and general stupidty Are in the same army

   doesn't get upset at broken promises; I just think, why did they believe me?

   It would be very helpful to me if the rest of you would please stop striving for excellence. Thanks!

   ask "What have you done today to prepare for a zombie outbreak."

   I wonder what would happen if everyone decided to call in sick on Monday..

   Just for laughs I typed 'crazy beotch' into my gps and it gave me directions to my exes house!

   I like using big words to sounds smart: utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

   Dear future politicians, If one of you promises to synchronize a few traffic signals around here, you'll get my vote. Sincerely, Taxpayer #317.

   Man it's Hotttt!!! I am sweating worse than Al Sharpton on Jeopardy.

   for every action there will be someone to have a complete overreaction.

   Water in the Gulf of Mexico is now worth $75 a barrel.

   Don't look at me in that tone of voice!

   I never take advice, I only give it. So you can call me a hypocrite, but at least I'm not selfish.

   Sometimes I sit at a green light not because I'm not paying any attention, but because I'm curious if the car behind me has a custom horn.