Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Friend: "Your phone`s ringing." Me: "Yeah, phones do that..."

   After looking at all the androids available, I think I've finally made my decision. I want one of the fembots from Austin powers..

   i guess its time to get another dishwasher.........there is just so much drama in dating now

   I know I have a long way to go but look at how far I've come.

   "I'll bring you home something from work" sounds a lot cooler if you're dating someone who works at Victoria's Secret and not Hardee's.

   If you whistle while you work, your enjoying work way to much!

   just been named most witty friend on Facebook by J.D. Power and Associates.

   Let's get drunk and make some bad decisions

   Dear hot chick I just passed on the street- I wasn't looking at you, you were looking at me. Get over yourself!

   read McDonald's McRib sales are leading the charge for rebuilding the American economy. Sliding in second: toilet paper.

   You know it's bad when the only thing women feel while having sex with you is remorse.

   The less power a man has, the more he likes to use it. That's why bouncers are d!cks.

   Steal her heart not just once, but each and every day of her life!

   Now my friends all hate me because I've been keeping my enemies closer.

   if you want to know anything, come over to my house...i have a kid that apparently knows everything

   WARNING: Unhealthy relationships may cause headaches, stress & a waste of your time. The cure for this is to be single.

   What's better than winning the lottery? Winning it the day after your divorce comes through.

   when I'm feeling athletic, I go to a sports bar

   / I'm not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there's so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

   having one of those days where someone needs to be hit in the face with a cactus...