Funny Status Messages

   I did 50 squats today and I still can't find my lighter!

   Sorry Facebook ... you didn't protect me, my kids and grandma's secret peach cobbler recipe. You're now the new MySpace to me.

   My wife is an animal in bed, a sloth..

   I'll never force my child into religion. When the right time comes, I'll explain to him/her the differences, and then he/she can choose between Star Trek and Star Wars.

   Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net at least a year supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.

   Congratulations to USSR for signing Brittney Griner to a long-term contract.

   I'd be 100 % more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.

   My Pride flag is up all year around, it's red, white, and blue. Merica' 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

   Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii or just a low ha…🤔

   Ok, let's be honest. I hate shopping for bras. You would think with the growing population of aging baby boomers, they would have more of a selection in 36 long.

   If you think your microwave spying on you is bad… Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

   Jussie, you've been found guilty but please don't beat yourself up over it.

   "This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

   In United's defense, they only claimed the skies were friendly. They said nothing about what happens on the ground.

   The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.

   It doesn't matter if you're black or white, heterosexual or homosexual, man or woman because cats hate all of you.

   There are only two things I want out of life! 1. Lose Weight 2. Eat!

   My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I'm camping, I won't be covered.

   The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.

   I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.