Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinking Robin Hood was a Democrat.

   Facebook Commandment III: Thou shall not set thy profile pic as some hot celebrity even if thou looketh like an ugly mongoose

   My wife tried to buy something online yesterday.... Anyone know how to get a credit card out of a floppy drive?

   The Pill, the second best thing a woman can put in her mouth to avoid pregnancy

   I wonder how many times that fat kid on Adam's Family locked himself in the bathroom with a playboy and that freaky hand thing?!?!

   Like a good Neighbor, Stay over there.

   To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that

   I like to throw hostesses off by shooting back at them with, "Do I look Native American?" after they ask me if I have a reservation.

   You don't have to believe in a book to be a nice person and treat people right.

   I hate a liar more than a thief, a thiefs only after my salary. A liars after my reality.

   Dear Santa: if you ignore all my actions during weekends and all the alcohol I drank, you'll see that 6 out of 12 months I was a good boy, wich makes me 50% good...It's up to you to see the glass half empty or half full

   going to give my pillow some head :0) and my sheets some ass.!! G"night!!!

   It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married

   If standing up for the constitution makes me an extremist, then yes, I am!

   You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.

   lf you can only be good at one thing, be good at cheating....because if you're good at cheating, you're good at everything.

   Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!

   How is it that you can sue a cigarette company for cancer & Mcdonalds for getting fat, but you can't sue Budweiser for all the ugly people you've woke up next to?

   Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dinning room, patio :)

   if you are 17, and still dressing up and coming to my house for Halloween, you sure as hell better say "Trick or Treat" and "Thank You" like the little kids do.