Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jussie, you've been found guilty but please don't beat yourself up over it.

   If you think your microwave spying on you is bad… Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

   "This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

   There are only two things I want out of life! 1. Lose Weight 2. Eat!

   In United's defense, they only claimed the skies were friendly. They said nothing about what happens on the ground.

   It doesn't matter if you're black or white, heterosexual or homosexual, man or woman because cats hate all of you.

   My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I'm camping, I won't be covered.

   The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.

   Truth is truth even if nobody believes it. Lies are still lies even if everybody believes it.

   I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.

   Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis

   Don't forget to get your hurricane glasses before looking at it.

   How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge a grand for it.

   Cashier: do you want cash back? Me: I mean who wouldn't. There's ring of fire, I walk the line. Let's not forget his christmas album

   How can the guy below refer to anyone's dumbness when he spells quarantine like that? You can't make this stuff up, folks.

   whoa they've gone way too far when they disarm Elmer Fudd

   CHILD-"hey grandpa, when did you know grandma was the one?"....GRANDPA- "when her sister dumped me!"

   I think my neighbors just cut down all their trees, just so they could get a better glimpse of me spying on them.

   I'd be 100 % more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.

   The left’s attempts to silence ideas they cannot, or will not debate, is a confession of intellectual bankruptcy.