Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Word of advice guys. When a girl says "Awe thanks, that's so sweet of you" take a hint as what she's really trying to say is "Back to the friendzone with you!"

   Just once in my life I'd like to finish a project as easily as they make it seem in the how to YouTube videos.

   I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia? She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you ... ”.

   *Eating my third bowl of ice cream* I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

   I can't wait for Kim Kardashian to get old

   62% of marriage conversation is just spouses stating “I never said that.”

   I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to doouches.

   I got one of those "No Bullying" bracelets. But I didn't pay for it, I took it away from a guy who is smaller and skinnier than I am and then I threw him into a dumpster.

   youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you're not bored while he fixes it.

   I've been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.

   i saw a license plate yesterday that said 'i miss new york,' so I smashed their window and stole their radio

   othing is more frightening than accidentally making eye contact with a guy who runs a mall kiosk.

   I'm glad it's college football season again, now we have an excuse to drink at 9:00 AM on a Saturday.

   Accidentally used the dog's shampoo today, and I'm feeling like such a good girl.

   Don't waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.

   My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

   Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.

   I remember when social networking was something that happened in person. How awkward.

   My friend just accused me of cheating in poker, I think he is just mad I won with 6 king

   There's 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.