Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I'll be telling everyone it's from having sex while skydiving.

   You know you must be unappealing when a nymphomaniac just wants to be friends.

   I like you, but not see you every damn day like you.

   I've never gotten in or out of a hammock with my dignity intact.

   Going to Starbucks right now,anybody need anything?

   I used my girlfriend's body wash this morning and now I can't stop replying to text messages with "K"

   I hate it when I click on a porn video and I can see myself in the screen while it's loading?

   The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math.

   Life Lesson: The ONLY person that can pledge 100% loyalty to you is YOURSELF.

   I don't "get even" or hold a grudge anymore, I take naps

   Leaving your window open for an hour in the summertime and then the cast from f*@k!?g bug's Life start producing their second film!!

   Don't hit people with glasses. Use your fists.

   I felt naughty asking for my latte to be extra frothy

   I'm not the sort of person who is in a position to cast the first stone, but I sure as hell will cast the second one.

   There's a big difference between a wise guy and a wise man...

   My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough. Now he can hear the voices too.

   I'll never force my child into religion. When the right time comes, I'll explain to him/her the differences, and then he/she can choose between Star Trek and Star Wars.

   Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net at least a year supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.

   Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii or just a low ha…🤔

   Ok, let's be honest. I hate shopping for bras. You would think with the growing population of aging baby boomers, they would have more of a selection in 36 long.