Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Daylight Savings Time: I say start it on a Monday at 5 pm. You wouldn't lose the hour on Sunday, and it would shorten Monday.
←Rate | 03-08-2017 07:50 by Mick Comments (0)  


   messageicon My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
←Rate | 03-05-2017 18:16 by X Comments (0)  


   messageicon I like people. I just don't want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
←Rate | 04-15-2017 02:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When she starts "first of all "in the middle of an argument,just give up, she has won already as she is gonna bring up stuff from 10 years back
←Rate | 04-28-2017 07:49 Comments (2)  


   messageicon It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
←Rate | 04-28-2017 14:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
←Rate | 05-07-2017 08:42 by Gump Comments (0)  


   messageicon You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
←Rate | 05-22-2017 02:30 by Baddie Comments (3)  


   messageicon I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
←Rate | 05-22-2017 08:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Every now and then when I'm in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you're listening". If I'm wrong, nobody knows. If I'm right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
←Rate | 06-02-2017 08:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It isn't a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I'm fine by the way.
←Rate | 06-12-2017 10:29 by Zumba Di Comments (0)  


   messageicon My train of thought is usually all loco and no motive.
←Rate | 07-21-2017 07:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Babies are participation trophies for men.
←Rate | 08-05-2017 11:25 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Speaking from experience, the 1950's era waa the greatest time in US history.
←Rate | 10-14-2017 14:09 by Anti-Raytard Comments (6)  


   messageicon Everything I know about electricity I learned from watching my drunk friends do home repairs.
←Rate | 04-07-2017 01:18 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  


   messageicon My Life Coach just told me that I've been in the placebo group. FML.
←Rate | 05-02-2017 06:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Learn to fight like your the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
←Rate | 05-08-2017 11:24 by Aerotim Comments (0)  


   messageicon Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn't exist?
←Rate | 05-30-2017 08:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My Olympic condoms have arrived - I wanted to wear a gold one, but the wife said "wear the silver one and come second for a change".
←Rate | 08-18-2017 07:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
←Rate | 08-23-2017 20:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What the lottery really is.. "Hey guys, lets pool all our money together and make someone a millionaire!!
←Rate | 08-25-2017 12:32 by Mr. K Comments (0)  



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