lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   how come no matter how prepared you are for your toast popping up you still get a shock?

   ..a recent survey shows that 9 out of 10 men prefer big boobs. The 10th man just prefers the other 9 men.

   You're like a cloud: once you f*ck off,it's a nice day.

   I should have guessed that huge red toy on the wall at the sex shop was too good to be true! Oh well. I might be $50 shorter but I now have a fire extinguisher for the home!

   According to a new report,women who have had breast implants get spells of dizziness,blurred vision & slurred speech. This is because of the amount of alcohol bought for them.

   I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who was wearing Uggs.

   I tYp3 LyK tHi5 cuz i'm cool, No..you type like that because you failed English Now go to preschool and ‘Type like this.'

   "Find your ideal partner on Facebook!" No thanks, I can safely say that one quality I am not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm.

   To err is divine. To blame it on someone else shows management potential.

   reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

   ..bets living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

   Nudist Camp sign: "Sorry, Clothed for Winter".

   I can't believe I got sacked from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

   Regardless of what my mom says, I'm pretty sure I would win a fight against a paper bag.

   If there's one thing I like to rock,it's casbahs.

   A man's New Year's resolution of no sex, no beer,no football,no nights out with the guys and no porn started today. He just got married..

   Makeup can make you look pretty on the outside. But it doesn't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup.

   90% of men like to masturbate. The other 10% don't have arms.

   Farmville? Meh..just wake me up when they launch "Margaritaville"..

   ..to me, a Super Bowl is one that's full of snacks that I don't have to share.