Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think people who use the wrong word should have the humidity to admit it.

   I bought a bottle of Himalayan salt today. It's supposed to be two hundred and fifty million years old. I just noticed the expiration date is July, 2019. Good thing they dug it up when they did.

   I've been having a problem with nuisance phone calls! The most common one seems to be "You said you'd be home from the pub three hours ago!"

   The first step to causing drama is making sure you tell everyone you hate drama.

   Anybody have a treadmill for sale? My closet is full and I need more space to hang my clothes

   A fun prank for Halloween is to train your dog to sit and growl at the padlocked closet as your guests arrive

   Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don't serve breakfast?

   I Went to the Valentine's day parade downtown, it was nothing more than a drunk guy wandering around with heart on.

   Wild horses could not drag me away from this lasagna dinner because they lack opposible thumbs and organizational skills

   I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.

   If someone tells you you can’t do something, ignore them. That’s how people trick you into doing things.

   It's a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog

   If you receive a text/forward that says, ”Send it to all your friends,” then please don't consider me as your friend while forwarding it, thanks

   Florida traffic is a confusing mix of NASCAR rejects and people old enough to have owned a Model T.

   One thing that I have noticed about conspiracy theories is that they all depend on the government perpetrators being endlessly clever. I think you'll find that most government perpetrators are endlessly stupid.

   People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."

   A new commandment. Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.

   I stubbed my toe on a chair and became Kanye west for two minutes

   A great man once said, "If you divide the people because you want their votes, you will never be able to unite them if you win the election".

   I have a sneaking suspicion that Elton John couldn’t have cared less about how tight Susie wore her dresses.