Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth.. She was down to the final four.

   A new commandment. Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.

   If you're constantly stirring the pot, not only should you be required to lick the spoon, but also have that spoon jammed up your butt. Perhaps that's your goal anyways.

   Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it's an intervention.

   Lady Gaga, Demi Lovato, Hillary Duff and Beyonce say they are sending their prayers to Houston. I feel like such a jerk. All I sent was money.

   Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!

   If you don't own a dog whistle you can use two teenage girls who haven't seen each other in a month.

   Politicians are people who have too little an amount of morals and ethics to remain lawyers.

   Since the 2nd amendment gives me the right to bear arms. I cut the sleeves off all of my shirts.

   I often get a "yes" from women...but it's usually followed by..."that's him officer"

   Was having an argument with my wife. Just as I was about to win the argument, my alarm clock went off.

   More bad news for millenials - you do not get a trophy for parallel parking your car

   A great man once said, "If you divide the people because you want their votes, you will never be able to unite them if you win the election".

   I am not usually one to brag, but I was able to get my daily recommended calorie intake for weight loss down in just one sitting!

   the only way I know something is bad for me is if I like it

   I'll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

   Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn't working out either.

   I prefer my kale with a silent "K"

   Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He's obviously an undercover cop.

   Any coincidence that OJ gets parole about the same time that Ford Motor Company brings back the Bronco?