Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Be wary of half-truths, you may get the wrong half.

   Shuts down laptop: I think that’s enough internet for today. Picks up phone: Let’s see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.

   My kidnapers returned me after listening to me talk about conspiracy theories that were true, for two hours straight.

   You can’t stay young forever, but you can be immature for the rest of your life.

   "Living well is the best revenge" Me: *googles second best revenge*

   it, stick a needle in everyone or my body my choice? Pick one.

   Waking up and realizing you’re still not rich.

   Are you the only one who gets it, understands it, or who thinks that your own jokes are funny? Something to consider while that jellybean rolls around in your coconut.

   You: Perhaps they’re not stars in the sky, but rather openings in heaven where our loved ones shine down to let us know that they’re happy. Me: Can I buy some weed from you?

   Him: you are my drug. Her: aww… you can’t live without me? Him: No, you’re expensive and you ruin my life.

   How to prepare tofu. Step one: throw it in the trash. Step two: grill some meat.

   Hangovers are temporary. Drunk stories are forever.

   The Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

   Her: Wtf? You barely lasted two minutes! Him: It was “Doggy Style.” So that’s like 14 minutes.

   If they can get their student loans forgiven, then I want my car loan forgiven. All loans matter.

   64 year old man: Making love to a younger woman may be fatal…. But if she dies, she dies.

   IQ Test: To see results, enter your credit card number.

   How would you describe college? I’m teaching myself a class that I’m paying for.

   Dear autocorrect: It’s never “duck.”

   Demonstrate how much you suck.