Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happier than a Goth Girl being carried off by a flock of ravens.

   Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy

   If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it my illegal logging operation is a success.

   sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that

   Things were said. Feelings were hurt. Your car was set on fire. My point is you’re wrong & Raphael isn’t the best Ninja Turtle. Get over it.

   The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.

   Cutting a hole in the bottom of a table with a saw to steal a pie is way harder than it looks in cartoons.

   Tweet others the same way you want them to tweet you.

   Someone just told me I wasn’t as dumb as I looked and now I’m confused, was it an insult or a compliment?

   Sometimes I think I need to be in a mental institution, then I look around and think that maybe I already am.

   I'm assuming lube is for people who can't spit.

   If I get addicted to eating cold turkey, idk how i'm going to quit

   Not so great minds also think alike!

   If laziness was an Olympic sport, I would want to come in Fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

   All I want for Christmas is you ...... Just kidding I want Money

   I’m small but influential. Like bacteria or Tom Cruise.

   If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals you probably shouldn't invite me over.

   Me: She really needs to calm down. Alcohol: You should tell her.

   I take my irresponsibilities seriously.

   My friend's dog is tough. I interrogated him for over an hour and he still wouldn't tell me who's a good boy.