Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

   Never forget where you came from, because that’s probably where you left your phone.

   I never forget a face; but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.

   IKEA needs to provide better descriptions on their furniture like, what is the divorce rate on assembling this 8-drawer dresser.

   If she starts drawing shapes on your chest after sex, just get up and leave. A very stupid question is coming.

   To suppress free speech is a double wrong. It violates the rights of hearer as well as those of the speaker.

   Might get crazy tonight and go to bed at 10 instead of 9.

   In 2018, 33 researchers published their theory that octopuses didn’t originate on earth and are actually alien life forms.

   Might put the tree up and call it a year.

   The word is “butter,” go spread the word.

   How to escape the matrix: Step one, turn off your television.

   Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.

   Always be nice to people that have access to your toothbrush.

   Don’t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.

   An elderly woman was walking her dog when a young man grabbed her purse and ran away. I asked if she was okay. She said, “it’s no big deal really, I only carry that old purse to put my dog’s poop in it.”

   Tried being normal once, it was the most boring ten minutes of my life.

   The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without a brain is good news for you.

   The IRS: “Oh yeah, you can milk anything with nipples.”

   Be wary of half-truths, you may get the wrong half.

   Shuts down laptop: I think that’s enough internet for today. Picks up phone: Let’s see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.