Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   y doctor has given me some anti-gloating cream. Now all I want to do is rub it in.

   'Flashdance' gave me unrealistic expectations about how hot welders would be

   People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."

   If you're in a relationship. I don't know why you feel the need to upload 10 selfies a day. Look at your boyfriend instead of a camera

   Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.

   5000 years of eating bread and now all of a sudden everyone's allergic to gluten? WTF?

   How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge a grand for it.

   I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.

   I stubbed my toe on a chair and became Kanye west for two minutes

   I’m all about unity between the human race and truly believe it’s time we all wake up and realize that we’re all in this together. But when a “artist” wins an award at the VMA’s and thanks God and Justin Bieber in the same breath... It makes

   This is probably not the year to hang mistletoe around the workplace.

   Honestly, it's not the way I look that reveals my age. It's my use of complete sentences, proper grammar and spelling when I text.

   A new commandment. Blessed are they who can just read it and move on.

   I went to the doctor because I couldn’t stop listening to Tom Jones. He told me it’s not unusual

   I've gotten to the age where if I see a coin lying on the ground I figure anything less that a quarter isn't worth the aches and pains of leaning over to pick it up.

   According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don't have a weight problem....I'm just hot

   Women who say the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach hasn't seen his browser history

   Dave came into the bar last night visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much, quit counting them

   This dentist just told me I need a crown, and it's a relief to finally start getting some recognition around here.

   Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy