Funny Status Messages
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CNN Just announced that Hillary won the next Debate. 
Just in: Clinton is now LEADING in polls in important battleground states, such as Qatar, Iraq, Iran, and Syria And hopefully soon... San Quentin.
I work 2 jobs so my family won't be homeless. Ironically with all the extra shifts I'm home less.
Apparently the Washington Monument has been damaged. MSNBC says the Washington monument is leaning to left. Fox news says its to the right.
This girl got all pissed off just because I was reading the back of her pants... so what if I was trying to read it in braille
Why does every Nickelodeon and Disney actor/actress have to be given a Record Deal? Just because they can act, doesn't mean they can SING.
I study Jiu-Jitsu and Karate but if they ever start teaching classes in Mad Black Lady, I'm forsaking both and signing up.
Have you ever looked up the word "dictionary" in the dictionary? A hand comes out of the page and slaps you across the face
The "b" in the word "subtle" sure is dumb.
To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girlfriends.
it just me or does Justin Bieber's new haircut make him look like Marcy Darcy from "Married With Children"?
Maybe if my boss saw how many statuses I can drop in a day, he'd stop saying I'm unproductive.
The last fight we had was my fault. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?' and I said, 'Dust!'
The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off
When your computer asks "Are you sure?", it's because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions you've made.
If you're going to do something stupid and you know it's stupid, make sure you say "fu*k it" beforehand. It's like the thumbs up.
Just because it"s called spandex..doesn't mean it should be put to the "how far can it expand" test.
If you ran as much as your mouth you'd be in great shape
If someone throws a stone at you, throw a flower at them. But remember to throw the flower pot with it.
Keep your FRIENDS close and your Enemies on Limited Profile. 