Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just built a hurricane proof home. Because I built it in Minnesota!

   My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.

   Neutering our dog was the best thing we ever did. Made him less nuts.

   i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately I don’t know anything

   I hope we’ve all come to the realization that huggers were the problem all along.

   Has decided to sell my nudes, $5 to get one, $25 to NOT get one.

   I should have been a geologist. Everyday, I manage to hit a new rock bottom.

   I'll never force my child into religion. When the right time comes, I'll explain to him/her the differences, and then he/she can choose between Star Trek and Star Wars.

   Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net at least a year supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.

   Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

   How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after your wife tells you she wants a divorce?

   Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

   When I drink I don't need a designated driver, I need a designated hide my phone person

   No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you're just going to toss and turn all night, it'll be confused.

   When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

   Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is to know what rhymes with "Hug me" Love, Robin Thicke

   Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair* “It says here you ran a marathon?” Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

   (First date) Her: I like men who take charge. Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

   I would pay good money to see that Mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.

   Don’t ask me! I’m 60 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.