Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.

   i saw a license plate yesterday that said 'i miss new york,' so I smashed their window and stole their radio

   othing is more frightening than accidentally making eye contact with a guy who runs a mall kiosk.

   I'm glad it's college football season again, now we have an excuse to drink at 9:00 AM on a Saturday.

   Accidentally used the dog's shampoo today, and I'm feeling like such a good girl.

   Don't waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.

   My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

   Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.

   I remember when social networking was something that happened in person. How awkward.

   My friend just accused me of cheating in poker, I think he is just mad I won with 6 king

   There's 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

   So my wife doesn’t like the new body wash she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.

   Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

   Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located? Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

   The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

   Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

   How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after your wife tells you she wants a divorce?

   Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

   When I drink I don't need a designated driver, I need a designated hide my phone person

   No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you're just going to toss and turn all night, it'll be confused.