Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I have complicated problems I always ask myself, what would my imaginary wife do? And then I end up buying myself cupcakes, and shoes.

   Just remembering some of my elementary school days and chuckled when I remembered how sitting “boy, girl, boy, girl” used to be a punishment.

   This is a list of people who asked for your opinion.................

   If more people knew what guys did with socks they'd stop giving them to their dad as gifts.

   My brain during the day: I need a nap.... My brain at night: I wonder why the Earth was placed exactly here & allowed us to sustain human life....

   I'll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

   any non-drinkers wanna trade a liver for some really good stories??

   Men aren’t as emotional as women because evolution realized early on that you can’t kill a spider by sharing your feelings.

   can't believe the crazy things people do while driving. Lady in the car next to me is texting while driving! I nearly dropped my beer when I saw that!

   Pat Robertson blamed hurricane Katrina on sexual sin,he blamed the Haiti earthquake on a supposed pact with satan. We havn't had any severe disaster up here in Canada yet but he'll probily blame it on the success of Justin Bieber or Pamela anderson.

   What do you call a black man flyin a plane???? A pilot you RACI$T !!!!

   If I ever get sent to prison the first thing I'm gonna do is hunt up the tattoo guy and have him put a red aids awareness ribbon on each butt cheek.

   once upon at time a prince asked a princess to marry him. The princess said no and the prince lived happily ever after. The end

   whenever you feel powerless, remember that just one single turd of yours can shut down an entire waterpark

   Math questions are so dumb! They're like "if you have 30 chocolate bars and you eat 29, what do you have left?" OH I don't know how bout diabetes!!

   (Glass breaks) Woman: I think someones breaking in! Man: I'll take care of this! (grabs a toilet brush) Woman: A toilet brush? What are you going to do scrub him to death? Man: Would you want to be touched with this?

   this is an encoded message only those who are worthy will be able to read: 370H-SSV-0773H

   Dear young girls losing their virginity... if you're age is on the clock, you're too young for the coc$.

   Girls don't fart. That sound you hear is actually baby unicorns being released into the world to sprinkle sugar on cookies

   Why are kids obese? Maybe because Burgers are $.99, & Salads are $4.99.