Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon it is comforting to know the last person Osama Bin Laden saw on this Earth was an American
←Rate | 05-02-2011 20:59 by plasticmortal Comments (0)  

   messageicon How I eat my ramen: 1. Boil water 2. Eat dry ramen noodle block 3. Drink boiling water 4. Snort seasoning packet 5. Cry myself to sleep
←Rate | 05-18-2011 19:04 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon I dress to kill.... and have been told I cook the same way!
←Rate | 10-02-2011 12:45 by Dani Comments (0)  

   messageicon To every girl suffering from many friend request..............Put your real picture without makeup as your profile pic.
←Rate | 10-03-2011 01:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go out when finally she swung open the door and asked "tell me honestly, do I look fat in this?". I replied "yes love, but to be fair, its a small bathroom"
←Rate | 10-12-2011 06:38 by Monkeyboy126 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You're so annoying you should just wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry."
←Rate | 01-28-2011 15:27 by abbybaby34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why do I have to bother pushing "one" for English? I'm still going to get someone who can't speak it.
←Rate | 02-03-2011 21:00 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Happy Mushy-Card-Nasty-Candy-in-a-Heart-Shaped-Box-Big-Balloon-That-Barely-Fits-in-Your-Car-And-You-Can't-See-to-Back-Up-$75-Rose s-That-Can-be-Bought-Tomorrow-for-$20-but-Must-be-Sent-to-"Prove"-Your-Love-Stand-In-Line-for-Two-Hours-to-Eat Day. <HATE
←Rate | 02-14-2011 10:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn't hear me call shotgun.
←Rate | 02-14-2011 18:26 by Justinjrouser Comments (0)  

   messageicon come on people driving is just like coloring, just stay inside the lines...
←Rate | 02-15-2011 18:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nobody cleans a house faster than a guy expecting sex.
←Rate | 09-12-2012 12:20 by Kisstopher Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear p0rn stars, bright shiny bleached a$$holes are great and all, but acne free a$$cheeks should be a higher priority. Thanks.
←Rate | 09-29-2012 15:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Have you ever seen a flock of geese flying in a V formation and wondered why one side is always longer than the other? It's because there are more geese on that side.
←Rate | 10-12-2012 21:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can someone get Seal Team Six some round trip tickets to North Korea?
←Rate | 03-05-2013 21:47 by eengrms Comments (0)  

   messageicon Opportunity knocked, but by the time I took off the chain, pushed back the bolt, unhooked two locks and shut off the alarm, it was too late..
←Rate | 09-08-2010 22:26 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon can never enjoy Sundays, because in the back of my mind I know I have work the next day. It's like trying to enjoy your last meal before execution.
←Rate | 10-02-2010 22:58 by Kelevra Comments (1)  

   messageicon People are funny. They spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.
←Rate | 07-21-2010 16:21 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when."
←Rate | 07-29-2010 19:40 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon still doesn't understand what the hell I'm supposed to do with the white crayon…
←Rate | 01-09-2010 08:59 by Julius Andres Comments (0)  

   messageicon The best part about living in a small town is when I don't know what i'm doing,someone else does.
←Rate | 02-03-2010 02:05 by Lemonpillow Comments (0)  

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