Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your call is very important to us so please enjoy this flute solo for the next 90 minutes

   We were so poor when I was a little boy that I had to share my sandbox with our cat.

   Hurricane Irma put Barbuda on the map. And also removed it.

   I just built a hurricane proof home. Because I built it in Minnesota!

   Fellas; Someone you are unable to hang out with when you are broke is not your girlfriend. That’s a prostitute.

   . Fun fact Smokey the bear's original name was Hotfoot Teddy.

   Thanksgiving is the only time a Califorian can see a natural breast.

   asked Alexa "why is my wife such a b!@#$" & Alexa replied "id rather not answer" ...these computers really are smart

   If you mess with me, you mess with the whole trailer park!

   A word of advice guys, When a girl says "Aw that's that's very sweet of you" when you ask her out on a date what she's really trying to say is "Back into the friends zone with you!"

   Funny how the most romantic gesture you can make nowadays while on a date to show the person your with that your truly interested is done by not looking at your phone.

   After owning my phone for almost a year I finally figured out how to make the fonts bigger, which will make walking easier.

   Ever notice that Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, drooling, or unaware of what year you’re in.

   Word of advice guys. When a girl says "Awe thanks, that's so sweet of you" take a hint as what she's really trying to say is "Back to the friendzone with you!"

   Just once in my life I'd like to finish a project as easily as they make it seem in the how to YouTube videos.

   I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia? She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you ... ”.

   *Eating my third bowl of ice cream* I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

   I can't wait for Kim Kardashian to get old

   62% of marriage conversation is just spouses stating “I never said that.”

   I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to doouches.