Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon when did the country's concern for money go from Wall Street to Sesame Street?
←Rate | 10-04-2012 04:30 by Eddy Comments (0)  

   messageicon I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don't have to go to family functions any more.
←Rate | 10-19-2012 09:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I call it a Cupcake Salad. And I don't see how it's any of your business.
←Rate | 07-04-2013 04:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It's people I don't trust.
←Rate | 08-20-2013 15:43 by huck Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just heard that the Japanese are going to clone a Woolly Mammoth discovered in Russia. Really Japan, really? Did you not learn anything from that time with Godzilla?
←Rate | 05-10-2013 13:20 by Mickey Comments (0)  

   messageicon You text me, I respond in 15 seconds, then apparently you die of excitement because 2 hours later I'm still waiting for a response
←Rate | 05-28-2013 06:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That'll teach the bltch to keep the house in the divorce... Before I left, I set 3 white rats free in the house with 1, 2, & 4 written on their backs.
←Rate | 06-04-2013 18:16 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I refuse to lower my standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
←Rate | 01-04-2013 23:13 by Danmanz Comments (0)  

   messageicon Going to a concert tonight. Doors open at 7pm, according to the ticket. That's a pretty impressive opening act.
←Rate | 01-10-2013 08:19 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto-correct is like "I got nothing, man."
←Rate | 01-11-2013 21:25 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nothing says 'I dont take you seriously' like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
←Rate | 01-26-2013 13:07 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon When advertising your business on the side of your car it’s a good idea not to drive like a complete as&hole
←Rate | 03-01-2013 21:18 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
←Rate | 03-11-2013 19:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Yup, My girlfriend went out for drinks with the girls from her work... Can't wait for her to get back and tell me EVERYTHING that's wrong with me.
←Rate | 03-29-2013 21:28 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just read that Lindsay Lohan is headed for rehab. It's like 2008 all over again. Or 2009. Or 2010. Or 2011. Or 2012
←Rate | 03-30-2013 02:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
←Rate | 04-05-2013 08:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, and they're like "It wasn't that hard"
←Rate | 10-27-2012 15:31 by Danmanz Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.
←Rate | 11-22-2012 21:33 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn't fix your face.
←Rate | 12-10-2012 14:09 by JMartin Comments (0)  

   messageicon It may appear like I'm doing nothing, but i'm actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!
←Rate | 07-21-2012 18:00 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)  

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