Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Why Do Guys Cheat On Pretty Girls With Ugly Ones....?
←Rate | 03-22-2010 12:44 by Samir Momin Comments (7)  

   messageicon Never say "maybe" to a kid. All they hear is "I swear on my life that this will definitely happen."
←Rate | 03-31-2010 14:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So I met this prostitute who said she'd do anything for $10. Guess who got his car washed?
←Rate | 10-21-2011 01:49 by KISSTOPHER Comments (0)  

   messageicon Lazy Rule #19401957294710149: you're so lazy you didn't even finish reading the number.
←Rate | 06-12-2011 23:12 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate it when someone I don't like says something funny.
←Rate | 06-13-2011 21:32 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
←Rate | 02-23-2011 18:36 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you're watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
←Rate | 09-12-2011 13:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon oly crap! I just realized that I'm still "it" from a game of tag in 1987.
←Rate | 04-18-2011 16:09 by Boo Comments (0)  

   messageicon Now that Bin Laden is dead, can I finally bring shampoo on a plane?
←Rate | 05-03-2011 07:40 by man_9 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Skin-tight clothing only works if the skin underneath is tight also
←Rate | 07-28-2011 16:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If all men are the same, why do women take so long to choose one ?
←Rate | 08-03-2011 21:35 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet, but only for about 30 seconds.
←Rate | 08-08-2011 16:21 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm bored. Who wants to fall in love with me until they find someone better?
←Rate | 02-26-2013 11:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If a car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a little so the cars behind me can see I'm not causing the traffic
←Rate | 08-21-2012 23:42 by fadolo Comments (0)  

   messageicon whomever invented the metal wires, screws and clips that hold kids toys to the cardboard packaging with a vulcan death grip: I HOPE YOU DIE.
←Rate | 12-26-2009 01:30 by tahirjahi Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
←Rate | 11-10-2009 18:37 by zee Comments (0)  

   messageicon Always remember that no matter how bad you are, you are not totally useless, you can still be used as a bad example.
←Rate | 12-17-2010 20:26 by VisHaL Comments (0)  

   messageicon Crazy? I was crazy once. My parents locked me in a round room and told me to sit in the corner. Corner? I couldn't find a corner! That bugged me. Bugs? I hate bugs. They drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once...
←Rate | 12-23-2010 20:36 by Esoteric Comments (0)  

   messageicon My mirror and my camera have two completely different ideas of what I look like.
←Rate | 01-10-2011 23:24 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon while I drink my coffee, I oftentimes stare out the window and ask myself: Am I attractive enough to prostitute?
←Rate | 01-15-2011 16:08 by Charles323 Comments (6)  

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