Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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Page: 136 of 5657

   messageicon Being clean and sober means i've showered and am heading to the liquor store.
←Rate | 06-18-2016 10:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My phone has better health insurance than I do.
←Rate | 06-21-2016 04:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dating Red Flags: She shows you the "good behavior" pin she received in group therapy.
←Rate | 06-21-2016 16:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pixar announces, 'Finding Nemo 3, The Search of Future Revenue.'
←Rate | 06-22-2016 14:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Should you tell your neighbor that leaving their six porch lights on all day makes their Prius rather redundant?
←Rate | 06-26-2016 01:56 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Always wonder why do people even bother making good quality pinatas?
←Rate | 06-26-2016 22:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The mantra of every politician is: Promise Everything, Deliver Nothing, Blame Someone Else. HECK ..... No wonder America is in turmoil ... We rarely vote in leaders .... Just a bunch of Con-Artists to run the Nation.
←Rate | 07-13-2016 18:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In order to help her inner city supporters Hillary is urging President Obama to sign an executive order replacing the word "Looting" with the words "Undocumented Shopping."
←Rate | 07-13-2016 19:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ? The dog, of course; He'll shut up once you let him in.
←Rate | 07-25-2016 16:10 by Fazzella Comments (0)  

   messageicon Anyone wanna go halfsies on a nuclear bunker?
←Rate | 08-05-2016 05:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Debating an internet troll is like teaching a monkey how to drive a car. You both get frustrated and one of you ends up throwing feces.
←Rate | 08-09-2016 03:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Fun Fact: Ryan Lochte originally took up swimming because his pants were always on fire.
←Rate | 08-22-2016 14:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?.. <YES>.. Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?. <YES>.. Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?
←Rate | 09-05-2016 15:50 by Snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon My dad told me that my great grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die. I said, “that’s amazing how the hell did he know all that?” My dad replied, “the judge told him.”
←Rate | 09-12-2016 08:26 by Comments (0)  

   messageicon If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave..
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon For my wife's birthday, I bought her a small bottle of exclusive perfume called ample. I just hope she doesn't notice where I scraped off the "S"
←Rate | 10-15-2016 05:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Old school slogan "Question Authority!" is replaced by today's "Question the News Media!" slogan
←Rate | 11-14-2016 12:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It is just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.
←Rate | 11-26-2016 09:30 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can't wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
←Rate | 11-27-2016 09:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'll see your passive aggressive status and I'll raise finger.
←Rate | 12-15-2016 08:17 Comments (0)  

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