Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A word of advice guys, When a girl says "Aw that's that's very sweet of you" when you ask her out on a date what she's really trying to say is "Back into the friends zone with you!"

   Funny how the most romantic gesture you can make nowadays while on a date to show the person your with that your truly interested is done by not looking at your phone.

   After owning my phone for almost a year I finally figured out how to make the fonts bigger, which will make walking easier.

   Ever notice that Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, drooling, or unaware of what year you’re in.

   Word of advice guys. When a girl says "Awe thanks, that's so sweet of you" take a hint as what she's really trying to say is "Back to the friendzone with you!"

   Just once in my life I'd like to finish a project as easily as they make it seem in the how to YouTube videos.

   I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia? She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you ... ”.

   *Eating my third bowl of ice cream* I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

   I can't wait for Kim Kardashian to get old

   62% of marriage conversation is just spouses stating “I never said that.”

   I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to doouches.

   I got one of those "No Bullying" bracelets. But I didn't pay for it, I took it away from a guy who is smaller and skinnier than I am and then I threw him into a dumpster.

   youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you're not bored while he fixes it.

   I've been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.

   i saw a license plate yesterday that said 'i miss new york,' so I smashed their window and stole their radio

   othing is more frightening than accidentally making eye contact with a guy who runs a mall kiosk.

   I'm glad it's college football season again, now we have an excuse to drink at 9:00 AM on a Saturday.

   Accidentally used the dog's shampoo today, and I'm feeling like such a good girl.

   Don't waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.

   My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.