Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.

   A leopard can't change its spots, unless it has Photoshop.

   Still working on an electromagnetic pulsating device to disable cell phones in theaters. For now, please continue making do with neckpunches.

   Man who fish in other man's well, will problably get crabs!

   the man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

   says the hardest part of being independent is that people may think you're better off alone.

   never regret doing things that will make you happy. we have but one life to live.. it's too short to dwell on negativities.

   Learn from your parents' mistakes. Use birth control.

   why is it that things that dont interest you suddenly seem exciting when you have serious work to do?

   A bit of a Procrastanator, i've been meaning to put that as my status since last week!

   never made a fool of any guy that I dated. But then again, I the guys I dated were the "do it yourself" types.

   It's damn funny when a wife think's she's punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..

   Egypt Power and Light reports all 10 customers without power...

   Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands around reloading.

   It's the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you're hit by a Smart car.

   Sorry I unliked your pic. My girlfriend ordered me to do it or I sleep on the couch tonight.

   I formally apologize to anyone who knew me way back when I was a teenager.

   jUSTIN BIEBER..........Really, 60 miles an hour? But to be fair, Bieber was in Florida. Anything over 20 miles an hour is considered drag racing.

   it wrong to ask someone with a eye patch"was it all fun and games up to that point?"

   There we go... the first of a long series of Pluto's selfies...