Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating
Filter On | Filter Off | No Trump

Search Messages:
Page: 135 of 5786

   messageicon I don't need to walk a mile in your shoes. I can see you're a train wreck from all the way over here.
←Rate | 09-12-2010 13:29 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Honking your horn won't make them go any faster, but at least they'll know that you're an asshole.
←Rate | 09-13-2010 14:40 by Aaron Comments (18)  

   messageicon : Snowwhite sleeps with 7 men, Tarzan is half naked, Cinderella comes home after midnight, Pinocchio always lies, Aladin is the king of thieves, Batman drives 200 mph, That's what they teach us as kids... no wonder we f*ck up sometimes....
←Rate | 10-17-2010 15:22 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide?
←Rate | 12-15-2012 14:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My boss is currently shopping for quarter million dollar homes. Meanwhile, I'm over here deciding if I really need to spend $2 on lunch.
←Rate | 06-04-2013 01:26 by Baddie Comments (2)  

   messageicon When my kids grow up, I'm going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I'm bored & then just leave!
←Rate | 03-17-2013 11:44 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't think we didn't notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.
←Rate | 10-25-2012 14:17 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.
←Rate | 11-28-2012 04:56 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon I used to be a People Person, but People ruined it for me!!!
←Rate | 07-17-2012 20:52 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)  

   messageicon Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
←Rate | 07-23-2014 20:29 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam's ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
←Rate | 05-07-2014 18:02 by Udit Comments (0)  

   messageicon A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he'd couldn't whine on FB.
←Rate | 03-07-2014 15:29 by snotty Comments (1)  

   messageicon Turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire's heart works even if the guy's not a vampire.
←Rate | 04-06-2014 20:55 by MWC Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
←Rate | 04-23-2014 05:27 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate it when people say 'You don't need alcohol to have fun.' You don't need shoes to walk on gravel, but they help.
←Rate | 10-14-2015 07:48 by mds Comments (0)  

   messageicon I flashed my full set of teeth at Walmart earlier this morning & I'm still here signing autographs and posing for pictures
←Rate | 10-17-2015 14:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Winning the game using deflated balls? Is this the NFL or the Tour De France?
←Rate | 01-21-2015 13:17 by eengrms Comments (1)  

   messageicon once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever cared about you all along
←Rate | 02-05-2015 10:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon i better have a baby soon before my Mom gets too old to raise it for me
←Rate | 09-20-2013 15:04 by lasercat Comments (0)  

   messageicon We should start seeing Valentine's Day crap in the stores any minute now.
←Rate | 12-25-2013 16:33 Comments (0)  

Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Status Message:

... characters left