Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon That uneasy moment when my doctor is checking my balls for a physical and I run my fingers through her hair.
←Rate | 02-28-2012 13:59 Comments (1)  

   messageicon cannot stress enough that grammar is important: Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse & helping your uncle jack off a horse
←Rate | 05-16-2010 23:33 Comments (7)  

   messageicon my scientific side says "i'll believe it when I see it". my spiritual side says "i'll see it when I believe it". my drunken side says "what are we looking at?"
←Rate | 05-04-2010 22:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
←Rate | 03-15-2011 04:09 by RoN Comments (0)  

   messageicon My new favorite thing to do is slip a kid $20 while his parents aren't looking and quietly whisper: "This is from your real father."
←Rate | 05-26-2011 18:44 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day I would put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink.
←Rate | 02-14-2011 12:49 by abbybaby34 Comments (1)  

   messageicon I've decided to get rid of my bad habits...just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
←Rate | 03-05-2011 21:34 by Abbybaby34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If aliens ever land on earth and demand to see our leader, our best chance of survival is to bring them to Lady Gaga.
←Rate | 08-01-2011 20:24 by Hot Tea Comments (0)  

   messageicon Tell a girl a million times shes not fat... She'll never believe you... Call her fat once she'll never forget it.
←Rate | 04-27-2011 13:56 by Marshall the Great Comments (1)  

   messageicon Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”
←Rate | 06-01-2010 08:44 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
←Rate | 09-09-2010 22:52 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ladies, the next time a guy has the courage to talk to you, remember he's not wearing makeup. Also, remember what you look like without it.
←Rate | 12-09-2011 13:13 by @HiYourJon Comments (0)  

   messageicon Today is International Women's Day. It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.
←Rate | 03-09-2012 09:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A guy is watching TV and suddenly Yells, "Dont enter that church you fool!" His wife asks him, "What are you watching?" "OUR WEDDING!"
←Rate | 03-26-2012 13:34 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon ‎3 Guys in Colorado died protecting their girlfriends. I dont want to hear any girls saying that ALL GUYS ARE THE SAME.
←Rate | 07-24-2012 22:20 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot." you are wasting everybody's time.
←Rate | 08-17-2011 18:26 by Hot Tea Comments (0)  

   messageicon Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better
←Rate | 09-07-2011 09:19 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm convinced that people who like their own status also masturbate while looking at themselves in the mirror.
←Rate | 08-02-2011 18:37 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Dear Men,if you are going to criticise a womans figure or any other aspect of her appearance please make 100% sure that you are Brad pitt or Johnny Depp...
←Rate | 08-15-2010 10:36 Comments (21)  

   messageicon There are a lot of pro bowlers in the NFL... I really admire two sport athletes.
←Rate | 02-28-2010 17:09 Comments (0)  

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