Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes, inappropriate thoughts pop into my head, then dive head first onto my keyboard without ever slowing down.

   When my kids piss me off, I show them a picture of Rosie O'Donnell and tell them that's their real dad.

   The less you give a f$ck, the happier you will be.

   Just spilled a drop of my 5 Hour Energy Shot...I'm thinking 4 hours and 4 minutes now.

   Sometimes your mouth is like a zipper. By the time you realize it's open, it's already embarrassed you.

   I see London. I see France. I see the Human Resources Office because I made an inappropriate observation.

   Okay KFC we get it , You have a boneless chicken product , ABOUT time , since EVERY other fast food restaurant has had them since the dawn of time ! Please stop the "I ate the bones" campaign....Thanks

   How many light bulbs does it take to change people...

   People rarely hate you for your weaknesses, they hate you for your strengths.

   I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything... Well, my phone number for a start.

   I wish cake went straight to my Pen!s!!

   Whenever I buy a box of condoms I always look the cashier in the eyes and say ''Where's your fitting room?!''

   deep in the forest theres a metal box that controls most forest settings. toggle birds, set default leaf size, select season, squirrel ratio

   Often times when rappers say "y'all know what this is" I act like I do but deep down I don't

   I've looked at trash cans that are more attractive than Nicki Minaj.

   No you may not "Axe" me a question, I don't speak Walmart.

   sneezing while brushing your teeth is not a good way to start your day...

   I'm only guilty of flirtation. If that's a crime frisk me.

   I'm the kind of dirty you can't wash off.

   what do you call a bear with no teeth? a gummy bear