Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Get married, you're gonna die anyways.
←Rate | 07-11-2013 09:03 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you'll always be paying way too much out of pocket.
←Rate | 08-01-2013 11:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Doesn't Riley Cooper know that racial slurs are only used to get out of jury duty?
←Rate | 08-02-2013 00:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh*t works with bears and they're almost as dangerous as angry women.
←Rate | 08-02-2013 11:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I never trust vans with clear windows because I can already see that they don't have candy in them.
←Rate | 08-15-2013 12:32 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Never leave something good to find something better, because once you realize you had the best, the best has found better.
←Rate | 08-22-2013 19:57 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ed Hardy gear is the pink flamingo lawn ornament of the fashion world.
←Rate | 09-07-2013 02:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Goal weight: when I wear a speedo, people can actually see the speedo.
←Rate | 09-08-2013 05:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My Wife says I talk in my sleep which I find it funny because nobody at work has ever mentioned it
←Rate | 10-31-2012 07:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Attention: Windex Wipes are NOT to be used for personal hygiene. Trust me. :(
←Rate | 11-05-2012 15:43 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Only 16 more days for December to Remember that, no one loves you enough to buy you a Lexus.
←Rate | 11-14-2012 20:53 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Facebook makes me feel like I'm right at home. Nobody cares what I have to say over there either.
←Rate | 11-27-2012 09:53 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Let me see if I've got this right...Women like to dress sexy, but it doesn't mean they want sex? This is but one of the confusing reasons men will never understand you women.
←Rate | 02-20-2013 12:36 by DSA Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sorry that we haven't named a new Pope yet. We aren't done with all of the background checks.
←Rate | 03-01-2013 13:34 by MigasJoe Comments (0)  


   messageicon I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex, she said she's be having sex with an as*hole for years.
←Rate | 03-01-2013 23:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon White smoke!!! Great, now we can all go back to bashing Obama and gun control
←Rate | 03-13-2013 14:43 by @michaelbeatty78 Comments (0)  


   messageicon please tell me what expression I had that made you talk to me so I can change it...
←Rate | 04-04-2013 15:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You would be better prepared for the day if each morning, the first thing you do is remind yourself that nobody gives a sh I t.
←Rate | 04-15-2013 08:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When you don't wear makeup I feel like I'm cheating on you with your brother.
←Rate | 04-19-2013 12:18 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Theres always is that one plastic cup or Tupperware dish that flips upside in the dishwasher...
←Rate | 05-27-2013 08:51 by Mario Comments (0)  




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