Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Get married, you're gonna die anyways.

   Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you'll always be paying way too much out of pocket.

   Doesn't Riley Cooper know that racial slurs are only used to get out of jury duty?

   If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh*t works with bears and they're almost as dangerous as angry women.

   I never trust vans with clear windows because I can already see that they don't have candy in them.

   Never leave something good to find something better, because once you realize you had the best, the best has found better.

   Ed Hardy gear is the pink flamingo lawn ornament of the fashion world.

   Goal weight: when I wear a speedo, people can actually see the speedo.

   My Wife says I talk in my sleep which I find it funny because nobody at work has ever mentioned it

   Attention: Windex Wipes are NOT to be used for personal hygiene. Trust me. :(

   Only 16 more days for December to Remember that, no one loves you enough to buy you a Lexus.

   Facebook makes me feel like I'm right at home. Nobody cares what I have to say over there either.

   Let me see if I've got this right...Women like to dress sexy, but it doesn't mean they want sex? This is but one of the confusing reasons men will never understand you women.

   Sorry that we haven't named a new Pope yet. We aren't done with all of the background checks.

   I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex, she said she's be having sex with an as*hole for years.

   White smoke!!! Great, now we can all go back to bashing Obama and gun control

   please tell me what expression I had that made you talk to me so I can change it...

   You would be better prepared for the day if each morning, the first thing you do is remind yourself that nobody gives a sh I t.

   When you don't wear makeup I feel like I'm cheating on you with your brother.

   Theres always is that one plastic cup or Tupperware dish that flips upside in the dishwasher...