Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1343 of 6446

Get married, you're gonna die anyways.
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07-11-2013 09:03 by Baddie
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Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you'll always be paying way too much out of pocket.
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08-01-2013 11:43
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Doesn't Riley Cooper know that racial slurs are only used to get out of jury duty?
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08-02-2013 00:05
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If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh*t works with bears and they're almost as dangerous as angry women.
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08-02-2013 11:59
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I never trust vans with clear windows because I can already see that they don't have candy in them.
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08-15-2013 12:32 by Baddie
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Never leave something good to find something better, because once you realize you had the best, the best has found better.

Ed Hardy gear is the pink flamingo lawn ornament of the fashion world.
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09-07-2013 02:23
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Goal weight: when I wear a speedo, people can actually see the speedo.
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09-08-2013 05:30
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My Wife says I talk in my sleep which I find it funny because nobody at work has ever mentioned it
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10-31-2012 07:20
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Attention: Windex Wipes are NOT to be used for personal hygiene. Trust me. :(

Only 16 more days for December to Remember that, no one loves you enough to buy you a Lexus.

Facebook makes me feel like I'm right at home. Nobody cares what I have to say over there either.

Let me see if I've got this right...Women like to dress sexy, but it doesn't mean they want sex? This is but one of the confusing reasons men will never understand you women.
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02-20-2013 12:36 by DSA
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Sorry that we haven't named a new Pope yet. We aren't done with all of the background checks.
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03-01-2013 13:34 by MigasJoe
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I told my wife I wanted to try anal sex, she said she's be having sex with an as*hole for years.
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03-01-2013 23:25
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White smoke!!! Great, now we can all go back to bashing Obama and gun control

please tell me what expression I had that made you talk to me so I can change it...
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04-04-2013 15:04
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You would be better prepared for the day if each morning, the first thing you do is remind yourself that nobody gives a sh I t.
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04-15-2013 08:09
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When you don't wear makeup I feel like I'm cheating on you with your brother.
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04-19-2013 12:18 by Baddie
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Theres always is that one plastic cup or Tupperware dish that flips upside in the dishwasher...
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05-27-2013 08:51 by Mario
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