Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?

   Just Donated blood..I hope whoever gets it likes wine. 🍷

   My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice

   I'm convinced that the employees of Ikea were just used to be customers who didn't know how to get out and just gave up.

   I'd rather shower with my parents than go shopping on Black Friday...

   I'm beginning to understand why Ukraine vacation packages are being steeply discounted...

   well Notre Dame fans...In about a year FSU will have to vacate this victory so you have that to look forward to

   I'm going to deliberately run into a car with a Coexist bumper sticker just to test their tolerance.

   Well, well, well, if it isn’t another worst-case scenario.

   "Growing Up With Siblings" means taking the TV remote into the kitchen while you get some food so that they don't change the channel.

   Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

   Sad News to Report: The inventor of throat lozenges has died.... There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

   My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.

   Oh hi Becky, who refused to kiss me during Spin The Bottle in 6th grade & now wants to play Candy Crush, looks like the tables have turned.

   Why America is screwed... People like Chumlee on Pawn Stars is making money on TV instead of manning a fry station.

   I don't need a thesaurus I know a lot of very very very good words

   Don't forget this one thing folks, tonight the Moon will be visible from Earth. The last time this happened was last night.

   I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, interrupt MY day and then give me the "why aren't you wearing pants" look.

   Rest areas restroom are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.

   Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo: The Feast of the 5 Mayonnaises: Hellmann's-Kraft-Duke's-Blue Plate and Miracle Whip