Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alcohol may be my worst enemy, but the bible says to love your enemy....

   based on your status updates I've come to the conclusion that you enjoy being miserable and I have no sympathy for you.

   Dear Boss, Life is full of surprises. I'm not coming into work today. SUPRISE!!

   I hate it when I have to smile at all the old people I come across just to reassure them that I am not a teenage thug up to no good.

   This Fathers Day I would like to thank Maury Povich for his relentless efforts helping many people in the ghetto enjoy a normally very confusing day.....

   "I can't go. I have to stay home and stare at my wife." - All my married friends

   Expect nothing and you'll be impressed every day.

   Any man who turns water into wine is a friend of mine.

   I am surprised no one has consulted Michael Jackson's doctor for advice on what drugs to use to for quick, painless executions.

   My small-town police dept has 2 armored vehicles and a grenade launcher just in case someone forgets to pay for their Caramel Macchiato.

   Calm down, different flavored Oreos. Nobody wants to make that kind of decision. Regular or Double stuff was hard enough.

   When you consider names for your baby,,,, it's important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.

   I'm pretty sure today is one of my family members birthday..... I should probably "unblock" them and check.

   All of your panties become g-strings if you have a big enough ass.

   I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .

   Just convinced the teen up the street that he needs to change the winter air out of his tires and put in summer air... Don't do dope, kids.

   Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody's pants.

   I swear some women are more psyched about GETTING married than BEING married

   Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.

   f a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it's one of those circus bears, you never know.