Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Since we are cancelling COPS, & LivePD can we also cancel The View?

   Once again, I'm a distant runner-up for TIME magazine's 'Person Of The Year'. I'm beginning to think it's rigged...

   If there is watermelon why isn't there firemelon and airmelon and earthmelon. You know…the elemelons

   So this package explosion situation in Texas. Are we blaming the person or the packages? Asking for a friend

   Do you even know what the word "impeach" means? Hint: It does NOT mean getting kicked out of office.

   I'm hiding all my porn on VHS. Even if my kids find it, they won't know what to do with it.

   Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.

   i wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There's ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....

   I dont know who is more pathetic, the idiot who opens and runs a celebrity parody twitter account or the idiots who follows and re-tweets thinking its the real celebrity.

   I refuse to go bungee jumping... I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one.

   I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.

   if I had a time machine I would stop O.J. Simpson from killing those people then nobody would know what a Kardashian is

   Always be sure to keep a good Facebook profile picture. This will be the photo plastered all over the news when something goes horribly wrong.

   I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It's obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.

   Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna' be a great day.

   Thank you guys for the birthday wishes. And thank you Facebook for reminding them.

   Sometimes when my internet is down,i forget that the rest of my computer still works.

   Im tired.Ive just finished painting all the rocks in my garden white...Just in case my neighbour wants a snow ball fight later this week.

   My girlfriend found lipstick in my pocket, I told her straight up I was cheating, there was no way I was going to confess I sell AVON..

   I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.