Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's funny how fast you can wake up when you realize you've overslept.

   Have you ever had one of those bad days when you felt like you were the thong and the world was Rosie O donnell?

   Why Do Guys Cheat On Pretty Girls With Ugly Ones....?

   Never say "maybe" to a kid. All they hear is "I swear on my life that this will definitely happen."

   Lazy Rule #19401957294710149: you're so lazy you didn't even finish reading the number.

   I hate it when someone I don't like says something funny.

   Skin-tight clothing only works if the skin underneath is tight also

   If all men are the same, why do women take so long to choose one ?

   I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet, but only for about 30 seconds.

   I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.

   oly crap! I just realized that I'm still "it" from a game of tag in 1987.

   Now that Bin Laden is dead, can I finally bring shampoo on a plane?

   People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you're watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.

   I'm bored. Who wants to fall in love with me until they find someone better?

   If a car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a little so the cars behind me can see I'm not causing the traffic

   A cop stopped me and asked "Do you know why I followed you " so I said "because my tweets are funny" & we laughed & high-fived & I'm in Jail.....

   whomever invented the metal wires, screws and clips that hold kids toys to the cardboard packaging with a vulcan death grip: I HOPE YOU DIE.

   Man...that is the last time I wash down an Ambien with Nyquil. According to the angry voicemail from my neighbors they were not happy about me dancing naked on my roof singing the ghostbusters theme song in Spanish. I don't even speak Spanish.

   Surviving this massive amount of "family time" by pretending they are mental patients and I'm their case manager.

   When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.