Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it's funny how social networking has made people more antisocial.

   hates it when he asks someone a question and they start their answer with "Honestly?"......No! Please lie to me, that's what I was hoping for.....idiots!

   A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers

   You'll know I'm your "Secret Santa" when you dont get anything!

   The only people mad at you for speaking the TRUTH are the ones living a LIE.

   I love Halloween because it's the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.

   If Hillary really wanted a best seller, she should have included her 30,000 deleted emails.

   Now it's too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.

   FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".

   I received their wedding invitation on Facebook, so I sent them a gift from Farmville....figured it was appropriate.

   The voices in my head have been quite for a while. They probably broke something.

   My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed party, so I invited all of her friends over and made them clean the house.

   The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.

   I'm thinking about buying an exercise bike, my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won't accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.

   If you're feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.

   Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.

   The number one thing I learned on xbox live is, a lot of 12 year olds have slept with my mom.

   wonders how I can remember lyrics to a song I haven't heard since 1986. But can't, even for a million bucks; remember why I'm just standing in the middle of the kitchen

   Justin Bieber has grown a mustache. His transformation into a teenage mexican girl is now complete.

   Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.