Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I only like games where the winner gets their stomach pumped at the hospital

   If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, "In Jesus name, amen,"

   I'm opening a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50

   Microsoft bought skype for 8.5 billion dollars ... Idiots !!!! They could have downloaded it for freee !!

   If aliens ever land on earth and demand to see our leader, our best chance of survival is to bring them to Lady Gaga.

   Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.

   When setting the table, does the remote control go to the left, to the right or over the dinner plate?

   Women just sit there and let it finish dripping, where as Men will shake it till it's all out....that's what I've noticed at the GAS pumps.

   the blue book value on my car just tripled...I filled the gas tank!

   Condoms should change to different colors according to whatever disease they come in contact with.

   Alcohol-The best night time:slurring,headache,dehydration,drink spilling, charm killing,so you think you can dance"medicine."

   I would pay good money to see the mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.

   It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels

   Does anybody else have a wife who loves to play that game called “Yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can’t hear her."

   A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half naked to get a man's attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.

   Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

   A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"

   I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

   My naked girlfriend just fell on the floor as she was climbing into bed. 5 second rule?

   if you want me to go running with you, I'm going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.