Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon It's funny how fast you can wake up when you realize you've overslept.
←Rate | 04-04-2010 20:22 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Have you ever had one of those bad days when you felt like you were the thong and the world was Rosie O donnell?
←Rate | 02-23-2010 09:51 by JeremyCakes Comments (0)  

   messageicon Why Do Guys Cheat On Pretty Girls With Ugly Ones....?
←Rate | 03-22-2010 12:44 by Samir Momin Comments (7)  

   messageicon Never say "maybe" to a kid. All they hear is "I swear on my life that this will definitely happen."
←Rate | 03-31-2010 14:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Lazy Rule #19401957294710149: you're so lazy you didn't even finish reading the number.
←Rate | 06-12-2011 23:12 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate it when someone I don't like says something funny.
←Rate | 06-13-2011 21:32 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Skin-tight clothing only works if the skin underneath is tight also
←Rate | 07-28-2011 16:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If all men are the same, why do women take so long to choose one ?
←Rate | 08-03-2011 21:35 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet, but only for about 30 seconds.
←Rate | 08-08-2011 16:21 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.
←Rate | 02-23-2011 18:36 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon oly crap! I just realized that I'm still "it" from a game of tag in 1987.
←Rate | 04-18-2011 16:09 by Boo Comments (0)  

   messageicon Now that Bin Laden is dead, can I finally bring shampoo on a plane?
←Rate | 05-03-2011 07:40 by man_9 Comments (1)  

   messageicon People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you're watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
←Rate | 09-12-2011 13:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm bored. Who wants to fall in love with me until they find someone better?
←Rate | 02-26-2013 11:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If a car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a little so the cars behind me can see I'm not causing the traffic
←Rate | 08-21-2012 23:42 by fadolo Comments (0)  

   messageicon A cop stopped me and asked "Do you know why I followed you " so I said "because my tweets are funny" & we laughed & high-fived & I'm in Jail.....
←Rate | 01-12-2013 00:31 by @zubindalal1 Comments (0)  

   messageicon whomever invented the metal wires, screws and clips that hold kids toys to the cardboard packaging with a vulcan death grip: I HOPE YOU DIE.
←Rate | 12-26-2009 01:30 by tahirjahi Comments (0)  

   messageicon Man...that is the last time I wash down an Ambien with Nyquil. According to the angry voicemail from my neighbors they were not happy about me dancing naked on my roof singing the ghostbusters theme song in Spanish. I don't even speak Spanish.
←Rate | 11-21-2010 12:43 by John D Comments (0)  

   messageicon Surviving this massive amount of "family time" by pretending they are mental patients and I'm their case manager.
←Rate | 11-25-2010 09:38 by Wolf Comments (0)  

   messageicon When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
←Rate | 11-10-2009 18:37 by zee Comments (0)  

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