Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My neighbor is either having sex or been building up to sneeze for the last 10 minutes.

   If Plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.

   Look darling. I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world nor the richest or the smartest but to be brutally honest, I don't see anyone else stalking you.

   America... the only country in the world where not wearing a seatbelt carries a bigger penalty then murdering your own child.

   Really!!! Kim Kardashian is upset with the Casey Anthony verdict!!! Your father defended OJ Simpson, Thus starting the Kardashian tradition of getting black men off!!!

   If you shut off the Internet in the US, we'd overthrow the government within hours.

   Whenever I'm on the phone with someone I like to scream WAIT DON'T HANG UP right as they're hanging up... then not answer when they call back.

   Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I've ever made.

   I am known all over the world for my tendency to exaggerate.

   Cop: Do you know how fast you were going? Me: I was trying to keep up with traffic. Cop: There`s no traffic. Me: That`s how far behind I am!

   It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.

   McDonald's being the official restaurant of the Olympics is like smoking being the official medicine of cancer.

   saw a billboard sign that said: NEED HELP, CALL JESUS 1-800-555-3787 Out of curiosity, I did. A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

   Women you want to be equal to Men... Send us flowers to work, pick us up for a date, open the car or any door for us, take us out to dinner and a movie flip the bill and leave the tip and you make the first move at the end of the date!!!

   sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.

   met a fairy today who granted me one wish, I want to live forever I said, sorry said the fairy, I am not allowed to grant wishes like that. Fine I said, I want to die when England win the World Cup, 'you crafty b@$t@rd!' said the fairy...

   loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.

   Hey Facebook, thanks for updating the style of your page for the 15th time ... I am really amazed that I get a different segment of the news feed everytime I refresh also. Great job! /endSarcasm

   Words of Wisdom: it's easier to change a condom than it is to change a diaper

   Stop screaming, lady. All I said was 'this is how pornos start'. It's just elevator talk.