Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you mean sleeping, then yes, I'm great in bed.

   Someone should tell North Korea that if you want to nuke someone, you probably shouldn't give them a progress report every week.

   Nothing says 'I mean business' like using a grocery cart at the liquor store.

   Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time.....

   If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple 'Thank you.' is all I need! Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business!

   Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what's your plan?

   So I woke up today, hungover as hell, to an unexpected pizza delivery. Last night, in a completely black out drunken stupor, I pre-ordered pizza online to be delivered at noon. I. . Rule.

   If you're a millionaire and you don't have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you're wasting it.

   I'm getting pretty damn close to "country music" drunk......

   Life was much simpler when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits.

   I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I'm going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You'll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.”

   I'm going to have to start following my brain. My heart is clearly an idiot.

   Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend's head...

   That Awkward moment when you realize no one liked you're status 8 hours later

   If good things come to those who wait, then I must have something ridiculously amazing coming!

   Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..

   Someone's gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves

   Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $1.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.

   A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

   When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.