Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon If you mean sleeping, then yes, I'm great in bed.
←Rate | 03-02-2013 01:42 by Anita2010 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Someone should tell North Korea that if you want to nuke someone, you probably shouldn't give them a progress report every week.
←Rate | 04-08-2013 01:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Nothing says 'I mean business' like using a grocery cart at the liquor store.
←Rate | 07-21-2012 07:38 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time.....
←Rate | 07-26-2012 07:06 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)  

   messageicon If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple 'Thank you.' is all I need! Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business!
←Rate | 12-30-2012 08:22 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what's your plan?
←Rate | 01-02-2012 20:38 by @OMFG_Rel8able Comments (0)  

   messageicon So I woke up today, hungover as hell, to an unexpected pizza delivery. Last night, in a completely black out drunken stupor, I pre-ordered pizza online to be delivered at noon. I. . Rule.
←Rate | 04-14-2010 16:14 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you're a millionaire and you don't have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you're wasting it.
←Rate | 01-07-2011 08:21 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm getting pretty damn close to "country music" drunk......
←Rate | 01-08-2011 21:52 by scottyp Comments (0)  

   messageicon Life was much simpler when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits.
←Rate | 02-11-2010 05:39 by chris Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I'm going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You'll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.”
←Rate | 03-16-2010 15:53 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm going to have to start following my brain. My heart is clearly an idiot.
←Rate | 09-12-2010 13:31 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend's head...
←Rate | 07-08-2011 07:14 by Jimmie Watkins Comments (0)  

   messageicon That Awkward moment when you realize no one liked you're status 8 hours later
←Rate | 03-29-2011 01:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If good things come to those who wait, then I must have something ridiculously amazing coming!
←Rate | 04-11-2011 15:44 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
←Rate | 09-20-2013 23:58 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Someone's gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves
←Rate | 12-28-2013 06:57 by Huck Comments (2)  

   messageicon Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $1.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
←Rate | 01-09-2014 22:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
←Rate | 03-29-2014 09:08 by Daheavy1 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
←Rate | 10-19-2013 22:36 by griff Comments (0)  

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