Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon My neighbor is either having sex or been building up to sneeze for the last 10 minutes.
←Rate | 05-08-2011 20:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If Plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
←Rate | 06-24-2011 12:51 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Look darling. I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world nor the richest or the smartest but to be brutally honest, I don't see anyone else stalking you.
←Rate | 06-27-2011 16:10 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon America... the only country in the world where not wearing a seatbelt carries a bigger penalty then murdering your own child.
←Rate | 07-05-2011 15:21 by starchild Comments (1)  

   messageicon Really!!! Kim Kardashian is upset with the Casey Anthony verdict!!! Your father defended OJ Simpson, Thus starting the Kardashian tradition of getting black men off!!!
←Rate | 07-07-2011 09:40 by migasjoe Comments (1)  

   messageicon If you shut off the Internet in the US, we'd overthrow the government within hours.
←Rate | 01-28-2011 15:40 by abbybaby34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever I'm on the phone with someone I like to scream WAIT DON'T HANG UP right as they're hanging up... then not answer when they call back.
←Rate | 02-11-2011 22:39 by @The69Sheriff Comments (0)  

   messageicon Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I've ever made.
←Rate | 02-15-2012 22:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I am known all over the world for my tendency to exaggerate.
←Rate | 02-18-2012 06:32 by alphabits Comments (0)  

   messageicon Cop: Do you know how fast you were going? Me: I was trying to keep up with traffic. Cop: There`s no traffic. Me: That`s how far behind I am!
←Rate | 03-13-2012 13:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
←Rate | 11-10-2011 16:44 by g0re Comments (0)  

   messageicon McDonald's being the official restaurant of the Olympics is like smoking being the official medicine of cancer.
←Rate | 06-04-2012 17:03 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon saw a billboard sign that said: NEED HELP, CALL JESUS 1-800-555-3787 Out of curiosity, I did. A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.
←Rate | 05-13-2010 16:17 by Jeff Comments (0)  

   messageicon Women you want to be equal to Men... Send us flowers to work, pick us up for a date, open the car or any door for us, take us out to dinner and a movie flip the bill and leave the tip and you make the first move at the end of the date!!!
←Rate | 08-26-2010 17:58 Comments (10)  

   messageicon sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.
←Rate | 09-10-2010 09:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon met a fairy today who granted me one wish, I want to live forever I said, sorry said the fairy, I am not allowed to grant wishes like that. Fine I said, I want to die when England win the World Cup, 'you crafty b@$t@rd!' said the fairy...
←Rate | 07-08-2010 14:58 by samdave69 Comments (0)  

   messageicon loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
←Rate | 01-17-2010 02:43 by Ginger C. Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hey Facebook, thanks for updating the style of your page for the 15th time ... I am really amazed that I get a different segment of the news feed everytime I refresh also. Great job! /endSarcasm
←Rate | 02-07-2010 18:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Words of Wisdom: it's easier to change a condom than it is to change a diaper
←Rate | 03-01-2010 21:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Stop screaming, lady. All I said was 'this is how pornos start'. It's just elevator talk.
←Rate | 07-15-2013 08:40 by Bobo The Chimp Comments (0)  

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