Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon what's the point in knocking when you can just text someone that you're outside their house.
←Rate | 07-29-2010 22:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon While Facebooking, cars in front of you may be closer than expected.
←Rate | 05-18-2011 21:27 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you ever need to know who your real friends are just tell them you need help moving and see who shows up
←Rate | 10-02-2011 09:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thanks everyone for posting photos of the fresh snow. No, really I haven't seen nearly enough in person even though I was shoveling at 5am this morning.
←Rate | 02-03-2011 10:25 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Do you even know what the word "impeach" means? Hint: It does NOT mean getting kicked out of office.
←Rate | 02-08-2019 06:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Once again, I'm a distant runner-up for TIME magazine's 'Person Of The Year'. I'm beginning to think it's rigged...
←Rate | 12-08-2016 01:25 Comments (1)  

   messageicon If there is watermelon why isn't there firemelon and airmelon and earthmelon. You know…the elemelons
←Rate | 03-26-2017 19:30 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Since we are cancelling COPS, & LivePD can we also cancel The View?
←Rate | 06-17-2020 08:19 Comments (0)  

   messageicon So this package explosion situation in Texas. Are we blaming the person or the packages? Asking for a friend
←Rate | 03-21-2018 15:09 by captobvious Comments (5)  

   messageicon I'm hiding all my porn on VHS. Even if my kids find it, they won't know what to do with it.
←Rate | 08-06-2012 02:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.
←Rate | 09-06-2013 14:21 Comments (0)  

   messageicon i wish I could pick which brain cells the alcohol kills....There's ALOT of crap I wish I could forget about.....
←Rate | 03-06-2013 09:37 by greg2missy Comments (0)  

   messageicon I dont know who is more pathetic, the idiot who opens and runs a celebrity parody twitter account or the idiots who follows and re-tweets thinking its the real celebrity.
←Rate | 03-31-2013 08:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I refuse to go bungee jumping... I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one.
←Rate | 01-25-2011 17:48 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
←Rate | 09-02-2012 20:26 by StonerDudee Comments (4)  

   messageicon if I had a time machine I would stop O.J. Simpson from killing those people then nobody would know what a Kardashian is
←Rate | 05-17-2012 22:04 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon Always be sure to keep a good Facebook profile picture. This will be the photo plastered all over the news when something goes horribly wrong.
←Rate | 08-04-2010 19:38 by Greg Oreiro Comments (0)  

   messageicon I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It's obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
←Rate | 11-02-2010 00:38 Comments (1)  

   messageicon Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna' be a great day.
←Rate | 03-31-2010 12:17 by Shamus Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thank you guys for the birthday wishes. And thank you Facebook for reminding them.
←Rate | 08-22-2010 18:09 by MBH Comments (3)  

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