Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wanna see awkward? Hand me a baby.

   This job is really getting in the way of my naps.

   If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?

   Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner's high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.

   A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.

   You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.

   They say if the palm of your hand itches, you're going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you've already got it.

   Not gonna brag but my neighbors don’t say hi to me

   "Of course you can do a roundhouse kick!" - alcohol

   I know I’m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.

   Being ugly on the inside should change how you look on the outside.

   Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.

   The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.

   "Hey! No fair! You cleaned the bathrooms last week! It's my turn!" said no one ever.

   100th episode of undercover boss is on and your telling me there are still people out that aren’t suspicious of a camera crew filming them at work. Working on my sob story to tell

   If you have a kid named Cody your chances of owning a 4-wheeler increase by 150%.

   I read this article earlier..that said.."cows have four stomachs"...and I wondered if anyone had checked this?..because it sounds like the sort of thing a cow would come out with to get more food?

   I think people who use the wrong word should have the humidity to admit it.

   POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: "So he was medium build, grey hair, grey eyes, grey tie, a grey suit and grey shoes?" DOG: "Correct"

   I have nothing in common with people who have "left over" pain killers