Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon It's no coincidence the people who call the cops when parties get loud are the people who never get invited to parties.
←Rate | 10-12-2010 13:47 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon Snuck a bunch of booze into work today using my stomach.
←Rate | 10-19-2010 16:55 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he'd couldn't whine on FB.
←Rate | 03-07-2014 15:29 by snotty Comments (1)  

   messageicon Turns out, pounding a wooden stake through a vampire's heart works even if the guy's not a vampire.
←Rate | 04-06-2014 20:55 by MWC Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
←Rate | 04-23-2014 05:27 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate it when people say 'You don't need alcohol to have fun.' You don't need shoes to walk on gravel, but they help.
←Rate | 10-14-2015 07:48 by mds Comments (0)  

   messageicon I flashed my full set of teeth at Walmart earlier this morning & I'm still here signing autographs and posing for pictures
←Rate | 10-17-2015 14:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Winning the game using deflated balls? Is this the NFL or the Tour De France?
←Rate | 01-21-2015 13:17 by eengrms Comments (1)  

   messageicon once you delete your birthday from Facebook, you realize no-one ever cared about you all along
←Rate | 02-05-2015 10:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon We should start seeing Valentine's Day crap in the stores any minute now.
←Rate | 12-25-2013 16:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon i better have a baby soon before my Mom gets too old to raise it for me
←Rate | 09-20-2013 15:04 by lasercat Comments (0)  

   messageicon Dance like no one is watching. Because they're not; they're looking at their phone.
←Rate | 07-07-2014 14:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.
←Rate | 07-23-2014 10:07 Comments (0)  

   messageicon That moment when you see your EX with that person they told you not to worry about during your relationship...
←Rate | 07-27-2014 02:42 by Udit Comments (0)  

   messageicon Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
←Rate | 08-02-2014 08:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon this a political message board or a status site ?
←Rate | 07-15-2016 02:08 by alan Comments (0)  

   messageicon ❒Single ❒Taken ✔ Unable to find love because my standards have been set unrealistically high after mentally dating a celebrity.
←Rate | 08-30-2011 23:10 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ladies; if you don't know how to dance, just spell your name with your butt. Problem solved.
←Rate | 09-05-2011 04:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate when people see me at the super market & the're like "Hey what you doing here?" & I'm just like "Oh you know hunting zebras"
←Rate | 09-20-2011 10:18 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon I swear, if Facebook changes their layout one more time, I'm going to post a status update about it & then use their site as much as always.
←Rate | 09-22-2011 17:33 by BEGO Comments (0)  

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