Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon A guy with a gun enters a bar. "Who the f*ck had sex with my wife?" he snarled. A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets!"
←Rate | 06-05-2012 14:26 by Marshall the Great Comments (1)  

   messageicon WELCOME TO FACEBOOK, the place where relationships are perfect, liars believe they are telling the truth, & the WORLD shows off they are living a great life; where your ENEMIES are the ones that visit your profile the most, your FRIENDS & FAMILY block you
←Rate | 07-21-2011 15:48 by @iTechnoBoy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
←Rate | 09-24-2012 14:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than 2 minutes.
←Rate | 09-30-2012 04:59 by hihuggiehi Comments (0)  

   messageicon I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so" I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!"
←Rate | 03-05-2013 11:54 by Val S Comments (0)  

   messageicon My roommate is on a date and said he's convinced she's coming home with him tonight. I've covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
←Rate | 05-09-2013 17:33 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his junk and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows new junk. If that isn't the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves I don't know what is.
←Rate | 02-13-2014 19:33 by ImSoFunny Comments (0)  

   messageicon Me: You're the prettiest girl I've ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you're smart too, I like that.
←Rate | 10-22-2013 20:55 by StonerDudee Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hmm,,, Voyager1 is 8.2 billion Miles from Earth & continues to send readings back to us.. and I can't get cellphone reception in my livingroom?
←Rate | 10-28-2013 17:58 by snotty Comments (0)  

   messageicon What do you call an organic compound in which a hydroxyl is bound to a carbon atom of an alkyl?.........See, sometimes alcohol is the answer
←Rate | 10-28-2010 05:41 by itsmyswag Comments (3)  

   messageicon I wish I had a theme song whenever I did something awesome.
←Rate | 09-24-2010 13:50 by badd status Comments (0)  

   messageicon Don't worry I won't tell anyone.. and if I do, I'll tell them not to tell anyone.
←Rate | 05-26-2010 19:43 by Joser Comments (1)  

   messageicon These Days everything is really starting to Click!.......My knee's, my elbows, and the rest of my joints!!!
←Rate | 07-06-2012 06:54 by Abraham Lincoln Comments (0)  

   messageicon No updates this morning. Cant find anything worth stealing from anywhere...
←Rate | 12-26-2011 23:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Instead of knowing what the #1 song was when you were born it would be cool if it could tell you what the #1 song will be when you die. That way when you start hearing it on the radio, you'll know that the end is near.
←Rate | 01-22-2012 10:23 by DH Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't believe it's merely a coincidence the the letters in Frito Lay can be rearranged to spell "oily fart".
←Rate | 08-30-2011 05:27 by JBabcock Comments (0)  

   messageicon "People say you don't know what you've got till it's gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just never thought you'd lose it."
←Rate | 03-06-2011 10:05 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I remember when 69 was just a number..BJ's was just a store.. & doggy style was a way to swim.
←Rate | 06-04-2011 22:59 by Surge Yarmolyuk Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you're dealing with any personal issues, family drama or problems with something a person has posted about you... let me encourage you to share it on Facebook. Give full details and we'll help you sort it out. That's what we're here for.
←Rate | 01-11-2013 20:15 by Goober Peas Comments (0)  

   messageicon I bet Jim Harbaugh used to unplug the Nintendo when his brother was winning.
←Rate | 02-03-2013 23:34 by @RonnieChapman Comments (0)  

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