Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I wish people who say 'thanks, but no thanks' would make up their mind on where they stand on gratitude.
←Rate | 04-12-2018 00:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Imagine my embarrassment at getting caught in the rain without a piña colada.
←Rate | 07-24-2016 07:36 by unknown comic Comments (0)  


   messageicon For once, I'd like to hear someone go "Yeah, I CAN believe it's already August....The time seems to be moving at the appropriate speed."
←Rate | 08-05-2016 19:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So if Carrie Underwood's injury requires 40 stitches and her face comes out looking like that, where do I sign up?
←Rate | 04-16-2018 10:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling. . .
←Rate | 04-18-2018 19:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wanna see awkward? Hand me a baby.
←Rate | 04-19-2018 02:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon This job is really getting in the way of my naps.
←Rate | 05-09-2018 06:13 Comments (1)  


   messageicon If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
←Rate | 05-19-2018 08:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Fitness nuts have to do an entire marathon to feel a runner's high..... I just have to bend over and tie my shoes.
←Rate | 05-19-2018 14:56 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
←Rate | 05-21-2018 17:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
←Rate | 05-26-2018 08:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon They say if the palm of your hand itches, you're going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you've already got it.
←Rate | 06-01-2018 18:02 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not gonna brag but my neighbors don’t say hi to me
←Rate | 06-06-2018 09:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Of course you can do a roundhouse kick!" - alcohol
←Rate | 06-19-2018 05:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I know I’m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
←Rate | 07-01-2018 22:47 by Kyla Comments (0)  


   messageicon Being ugly on the inside should change how you look on the outside.
←Rate | 07-15-2018 02:37 by Kyla Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.
←Rate | 07-18-2018 07:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.
←Rate | 07-23-2018 02:38 Comments (1)  


   messageicon "Hey! No fair! You cleaned the bathrooms last week! It's my turn!" said no one ever.
←Rate | 07-23-2018 08:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon 100th episode of undercover boss is on and your telling me there are still people out that aren’t suspicious of a camera crew filming them at work. Working on my sob story to tell
←Rate | 08-21-2018 22:24 by Smeebert Comments (0)  




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