Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Breakfast was going well until that creepy new Tiger Woods commercial with his late father's voice came on... now I'm just playing with my oatmeal.
←Rate | 04-08-2010 17:21 by Shamus Comments (0)  

   messageicon If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......
←Rate | 05-11-2012 10:31 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Girls need to start looking for guys who have goals, ambitions, and an education because 10 years from now "swag" isn't going to pay the bills.
←Rate | 12-29-2011 23:55 by A Comments (3)  

   messageicon I don't run for fun! If you see me running past you, you better start running too because something is coming.
←Rate | 06-10-2011 19:55 by Marshall the Grat Comments (0)  

   messageicon I still think everyone on the east coast should have played dead just to scare the crap out of everyone on the west coast.
←Rate | 05-22-2011 15:54 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wish the best for my ex-girlfriend. I really do. I hope she meets someone honest, friendly, and kind. Cause, you know, opposites attract.
←Rate | 06-24-2011 13:00 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Gas stations need to have a happy hour..
←Rate | 03-15-2011 11:28 by Wolf Comments (0)  

   messageicon Ever want to answer every question with a middle finger? That's kinda where I'm at today.
←Rate | 02-28-2011 11:51 by abbybaby34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have benefits if anybody needs a friend.
←Rate | 04-19-2011 22:07 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon better yet ... we shoulda just captured bin Laden .... tied him to the tallest pole, atop the highest mountain .... and flown a plane into him.
←Rate | 05-02-2011 21:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Listen seatbelt...I need you in an emergency situation, not when I reach for something in the cupholder.
←Rate | 09-16-2011 10:38 by Goodeolboy Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't usually talk to people who use the words "SWAG," or "YOLO." But when I do, I order a large fry.
←Rate | 09-13-2012 23:20 by Jason Comments (0)  

   messageicon Even when it's not the best of days, you can always tell yourself, hey, at least I'm not the guy who sank a $570 million ship.
←Rate | 01-17-2012 18:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The closest I've gotten to murder is holding cookies under the milk until the bubbles stopped.
←Rate | 12-14-2011 13:52 by fadolo Comments (0)  

   messageicon Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep; if I die before I wake ... will someone please delete my internet browser history.
←Rate | 11-02-2010 05:02 by @clarkysj Comments (1)  

   messageicon Auto correct can go straight to He'll
←Rate | 11-19-2010 01:42 by Zack Comments (0)  

   messageicon Pro Tip: If someone asks you if you "have a sec" and you answer "I have lots of secs", they will forget their original question.
←Rate | 08-19-2010 19:00 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Whenever I choose to go down the stairs next to a crowded escalator, I feel the need to move faster than the escalator to prove to the people on board that I made the better decision.
←Rate | 08-21-2010 10:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In memory of the fallen Marines who were killed. You've served well and won't be forgotten. Rest in Peace Marines and Semper Fi!!
←Rate | 07-17-2015 10:01 Comments (2)  

   messageicon That uneasy moment when my doctor is checking my balls for a physical and I run my fingers through her hair.
←Rate | 02-28-2012 13:59 Comments (1)  

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