Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.
←Rate | 08-25-2010 16:44 by Hot Tea Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you're playing with your X-Box all day, she'll break up with you and some dude will be playing with your ex's box all night.
←Rate | 09-24-2010 09:24 by dragon-king Comments (3)  

   messageicon People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.
←Rate | 10-10-2010 06:04 by lemonpillow Comments (0)  

   messageicon I HaTe PeOpLe WhO WrItE tHiS wAy
←Rate | 03-29-2010 04:48 Comments (2)  

   messageicon If I was a cab driver, I'd whisper "I could have kept you" to passengers before they got out.
←Rate | 03-10-2011 13:52 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon if I ever win the lottery the first thing I'm gonna do is hire a priest, a rabbi and a minister to walk into bars with me
←Rate | 03-28-2011 05:37 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I figured out the chemical composition of Holy Water. It's H2OMG
←Rate | 08-19-2011 07:26 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm sorry Febreeze.. I don't believe the commercials where you take the two blindfolded women into a crack house and the kitchen with the decaying meat tray and they smell Yosimte National Park.. :-/
←Rate | 08-23-2011 11:41 by timboss Comments (0)  

   messageicon I guess today has been pretty good. I haven't had to slap one single person yet....
←Rate | 02-08-2011 17:20 by scottyp Comments (0)  

   messageicon I can no longer "drop it like it's hot", so I "squat like it's warm".
←Rate | 03-01-2011 20:14 by Abbybaby34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If my Grandad were alive and on FB he'd be posting the same 9 or 10 stories over and over and as much as that would drive me crazy I would give anything to see his smile and "like" his posts today.
←Rate | 09-19-2011 20:43 by JBabcock Comments (0)  

   messageicon Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
←Rate | 12-10-2013 20:31 by Bobo the Chimp Comments (0)  

   messageicon There is no straight way to wash a cucumber.
←Rate | 02-13-2014 11:39 by Baddie Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint. I really think my "Whites Only!" restaurant idea will be a hit!
←Rate | 09-22-2013 23:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting's titty, not ok. Apparently.
←Rate | 10-20-2014 14:11 by Bobo the Chimp Comments (0)  

   messageicon You remind me of my pinky toe. You're small, cute, and I'm probably going to bang you on the coffee table later tonight
←Rate | 06-18-2012 21:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Thinking about memories with my Ex makes me look forward to Alzheimers
←Rate | 01-04-2012 13:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.
←Rate | 01-17-2012 11:41 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation of chocolate covered toothpaste.
←Rate | 12-15-2011 09:23 by SEAN Comments (0)  

   messageicon Phone on silent. 10 missed calls. Turns volume to loudest. Nobody calls All damn Day.
←Rate | 02-20-2012 21:25 by BEGO Comments (0)  

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