Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I'd probably get a lot more done if it wasn't for me.
←Rate | 07-12-2011 15:02 by geez Comments (0)  

   messageicon Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!
←Rate | 07-21-2011 08:49 by Mark Comments (0)  

   messageicon If people insist on acting like an idiot, I must insist on treating them like one.
←Rate | 03-07-2011 14:58 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon Heading to the pawn shop. We have an extra 5 gallons of gas and gonna make some money!
←Rate | 03-23-2012 09:34 by Jerry Carter Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have a talent for only attracting people I have no interest in dating.
←Rate | 04-14-2012 23:07 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I've reached the most difficult moment in parenting: explaining to my son why the first Star Wars movie is Episode 4.
←Rate | 04-15-2012 18:41 by flinnie Comments (0)  

   messageicon Making a million friends is not a miracle. The miracle is to make a friend who will stand by you when millions are against you.
←Rate | 02-07-2012 09:07 by XXX-FUXY Comments (1)  

   messageicon if 10% is good enough for God is should definitely be good enough for the IRS!
←Rate | 02-20-2012 15:20 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If girlfriend has no texts in their phone history, you are totally being cheated on.
←Rate | 02-21-2012 22:05 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.
←Rate | 06-14-2012 18:35 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  

   messageicon How about adding "Be a nice person" to your bucket list. Any as*hole can jump out of a plane.
←Rate | 06-27-2012 11:44 by Aaron Comments (0)  

   messageicon RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
←Rate | 07-07-2012 10:17 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I hate it when I'm trying to kill a spider but then I lose track of it and I become a victim in my own home
←Rate | 04-19-2012 20:58 by BEGO Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'll act my age when I'm 69.
←Rate | 05-07-2012 20:52 Comments (0)  

   messageicon The only people mad at you for speaking the TRUTH are the ones living a LIE.
←Rate | 12-28-2011 22:52 by Danmanz Comments (0)  

   messageicon The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
←Rate | 01-21-2012 09:47 by K-Mac Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can someone please explain why I have to pay full price for Swiss Cheese
←Rate | 01-23-2012 15:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon They call themselves political “parties” because they expect the working class to clean up the mess after they've had their fun.
←Rate | 01-25-2012 16:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you say the word "douche" fast and repetitively, it will sound like the beat of a techno song that some douche would definitely love.
←Rate | 09-08-2010 15:19 by jdpower Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was escorted out of the funeral before I was done high fiving everyone.
←Rate | 10-06-2010 12:09 by Aaron Comments (0)  

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