Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Went out with ex last night. Sat next to each other, shared a meal, got drunk, went home and didn't have sex. Just like being married again.

   Just saw a movie where gas is $.63 a gallon. I now believe the 70s never actually happened.

   This beer sure tastes like I'm on vacation next week!!!

   It’s funny how the change jar slowly becomes all pennies

   A good way to get your wife to listen to you is to talk to another woman.

   going to celebrate national left handed day by cheating on my right hand

   I guess I could learn from my mistakes, but it just sounds like too much work.

   Elton John will perform at Amy Winehouse's funeral with a beautiful rendition of Candle Under The Spoon

   Wedding Rings - the world's smallest handcuffs.

   When a girl cancels a date she cancels it because she has to. When a boy cancels a date he cancels it because he has two

   The "don't talk to me about kids until you have a kid" people are extremely annoying. I don't think I need to produce another human being to know it's problematic to let a 4-year old treat me like his b!tch.

   Unless the next one is a dude, I don't want to here any more about Tiger Woods

   This lady just said she's naming her baby Nevaeh b/c its Heaven spelled backwards. I said, just name her what she's going to end up being. Tulsa.

   I was at the store, and there was an old lady looking at turkeys. She asked,"Do you think these turkeys will get any bigger closer to the holiday?" I said, "No." She asked, "Why?" I go, "Because they're dead."

   Oh, look at the time.... The big hand says Fuck, and the little hand says Off

   thinks if there wasn't a last minute he'd never get anything done

   I hate when girls show there muffin top and still think there sexy

   Today my allergies came up to me, punched me in the face and said "Hi B%tch! Miss Me?"

   Brace yourselves... Everyone on Facebook is about to become a constitutional scholar.

   kevin costner dropped the ball this time