Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pringles: The only chip company that doesn’t sell air.

   ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose. DENTIST: That's an egg beater.

   If I end up getting the Coronavirus, I’d prefer to have it on the beach with a lime

   The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends. Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.

   When I was a kid, my parents could only afford a secondhand calculator which was missing the 'X' button. Times were hard.

   Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.

   Half the day, I wonder if it's too late for coffee... The other half, I wonder if it's too early for alcohol

   Until further notice the days of the week are now called thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today, and nextday

   Wife: I'm pissed! Me: Again or Still?

   My friend said he doesn't understand cloning. I said "That makes two of us."

   I bought a Swanson's Hungry Man TV dinner. I guess that would be enough if the Hungry man was a starving Ethiopian.

   I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if I'm swallowing them whole

   This anger management class is pissing me off.

   Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

   It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

   The average Apple employee works 6 hours a day longer than an Apple battery.

   How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

   I always knew I’d end up drunk in a gutter. I just didn’t expect everyone around me to keep bowling.

   Show her you care this Valentine's Day by grabbing anything off the CVS shelf with a heart on it.

   And this morning a container ship will depart for some third world country, loaded with Kansas City Chiefs Super Bowl LV Champions gear. Enjoy your Chiefs gear, Kenya...