Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Half the day, I wonder if it's too late for coffee... The other half, I wonder if it's too early for alcohol

   Until further notice the days of the week are now called thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today, and nextday

   Wife: I'm pissed! Me: Again or Still?

   Before Facebook, I never realized so many people had Birthdays...

   My friend said he doesn't understand cloning. I said "That makes two of us."

   I bought a Swanson's Hungry Man TV dinner. I guess that would be enough if the Hungry man was a starving Ethiopian.

   I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if I'm swallowing them whole

   This anger management class is pissing me off.

   Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

   It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

   The average Apple employee works 6 hours a day longer than an Apple battery.

   How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

   I always knew I’d end up drunk in a gutter. I just didn’t expect everyone around me to keep bowling.

   Show her you care this Valentine's Day by grabbing anything off the CVS shelf with a heart on it.

   And this morning a container ship will depart for some third world country, loaded with Kansas City Chiefs Super Bowl LV Champions gear. Enjoy your Chiefs gear, Kenya...

   Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.

   Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.

   According to the amount of bacon I just put in the air fryer, I’m a family of 8.

   Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat. No weirdos.

   I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want any kids. When I got home, they were still there.